


Who Dares Wins

by hedera_helix



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Military, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Civil War, Conflict Zone, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Minor Character Death, Role Reversal, SAS - Special Forces, Terrorism, War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-17
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2018-09-17 08:13:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 38,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9313061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hedera_helix/pseuds/hedera_helix
Summary: Having passed the selection and training of the SAS Erwin is assigned to a squadron in Eldia, a region whose autonomy was hard-won from the Marley monarchy in a devastating civil war, and which now stands to be torn apart again by a terrorist organisation called the Titans.





	1. Cub

**Author's Note:**

> Second chapter will be posted by 3 February.
> 
> Follow me on [tumblr](http://hedera-helixwriteseruri.tumblr.com) if you want (to ask any questions about the fic etc.)!  
> I'm also on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/hederahelix_).
> 
> Also, you should take note of the glossary I've made [here](http://hedera-helixwriteseruri.tumblr.com/private/156942249263/tumblr_ol0q9kc6AB1ufzjvo). Tell me in the comments etc whether you'd like any additions!

Erwin had thought the heat would remind him of the jungle, but had realised his mistake as soon as he had stepped out of the plane. This was not Belize, where the humidity pressed itself onto your mouth and nose in thick folds. This heat was dry, piercing. Better. Erwin felt it through the window of the car, had to shield his eyes from the sun despite the shades. A dirt road, shrubs, palm trees. Greener than he had expected. The city far to the right, like a mirage seen through the rippling air. The buildings ahead drawing closer, toward the mountains where they were heading. Patrols on the perimeter. A small plane at the end of a short runway. An abandoned airbase – not a bad spot for an HQ. Erwin shifted in his seat, feeling pinpricks on his right leg as a result, and met the eyes of the driver in the rear-view mirror.

“First time out?” the man asked him, and Erwin nodded curtly though the statement wasn’t quite true, and neither was the man’s assumption that he was nervous. It was all the conversation they had, and Erwin preferred it that way.

When the driver stopped the car in the shadow of the building, Erwin jumped out, feeling instantly warm in his BDU, ever more so when he lifted his bergan out of the trunk and swung it onto his shoulder. The driver circled the car, looking at his watch.

“Captain of the air troop is Shadis. Around this time you’ll have the best luck finding him running in and out of briefings so… I’d try the back, past the Mess Hall and to the right.”

Erwin uttered a quick thank you before pulling his kit higher on his shoulder and walking into the building, catching the sight of a couple of guys sunbathing on the dusty ground not far from the entrance, bare chests tanned beyond the sheen of sweat; there was time for that in this posting, at least for some. Many of the men he saw on his way through the building seemed equally free with their tasks, filling the Mess Hall with loud conversation though few of them were eating. They had to do a lot of waiting here, Erwin realised, walking ahead, finding Captain Shadis after asking a couple of helpful questions. Mid to late forties, face wrinkled and scarred, a twitch in his right eyebrow. He had five years left. At most.

“Smith?” the Captain asked him before so much as glancing at Erwin’s papers. He walked forward and shook his hand, patting him on the shoulder. A bit of cockney in his accent. “Good to have you here. First time, yeah?”

“Yes, sir,” Erwin replied, smiling briefly, feeling a sudden pleasure at the tightness of the man’s grip.

They entered a small makeshift office but didn’t sit down. Shadis took Erwin’s deployment papers and placed them into a folder, flipping through it while they talked.

“You were RAF?”

“Yes,” Erwin said again. “For seven years before I qualified for selection.”

“And you’re specialised in… linguistics and FAC?” the Captain asked him, smiling as Erwin nodded. “That’s a good pair. Your team’s pretty much set on the language department, but can’t go wrong with that. We’re really missing air control though, our guy here got injured so they’ll be glad to have you I’m sure. I guess it comes more natural for you, as an Air Force guy?”

“It gives an advantage,” Erwin agreed.

“Well, we’ve got two air troop teams here for a reason,” the man told him, throwing the folder onto a desk and scratching the back of his head. “Two air troop, two mobility and two mountain. We all work pretty close together, especially with the mountain lads, so you’ll get to know them too soon enough.”

“Understood.”

“Your team’s a four-man patrol,” the Captain continued. “Leader is Sergeant Hans Zoë, who’ll fill you in on the day-to-day. Though I’ll give you a heads-up, you’ll be heading out very soon, so don’t get too cosy, yeah?”

“Alright,” Erwin replied, smiling more widely at that. No waiting. Good.

“You’ll most likely be briefed tomorrow, but I’ll let Hans introduce you to the others. He’ll probably be in the Mess Hall or the barracks. Ask around, people will know him.”

“Sir,” Erwin said, nodding a little before taking his leave.

He entered the Mess Hall, his bergan still hanging off his shoulder, and looked around himself to find someone to ask for directions again, but before he could take a step further someone tapped him on the shoulder.

“You lost, sweetheart? Looking for someone?”

Erwin turned his eyes on the woman. Greyish blonde hair, glasses, early forties. Condescending.

“Thank you, yes,” he said, looking around himself again, spotting the soldiers in the nearby table who seemed to be listening eagerly. “I’m looking for a Hans Zoë.”

The woman’s smile faltered a bit at that and she nodded toward the back of the hall. “That one there. Glasses. Book.”

Erwin’s eyes followed her nod and found the man sitting alone at the last table, a book open in front of him next to an empty plate. “Thank you,” he said again, already taking a few steps away from the other soldiers.

“You Special Forces then?” she called after him and he nodded.

“Thanks for the help,” he repeated, hoisting his bergan better onto his shoulder again.

“No problem,” she called out after him. “Name’s Rico.”

Erwin glanced back again, waving his hand as a shout erupted from the group of soldiers sitting nearby.

“Oi, Ricky, wipe yourself down mate,” someone called from the nearby table, “or get a sign for the puddle.”

Erwin didn’t turn around when he heard the woman’s reply, walking swiftly up to Zoë, frowning at the sight of him, the long-ish red hair, the dark skin and the glasses that framed a pair of dark brown eyes. Not very tall, but strong-looking. Something instantly intelligent about his gaze.

“You Smith?” he said, extending his hand when Erwin nodded. “We’ve been expecting you. Hans Zoë. People here call me Hans.” Midlands, and quite strong at that.

Erwin took the hand and shook it, feeling the callouses, the roughness of the skin. It felt like a good sign. “Erwin,” he introduced himself, letting his bergan fall on the floor by the long bench.

“Go get yourself something to eat if you haven’t already,” Hans told him, pushing the tray forward. “And might as well take this back while you’re at it.”

Erwin hesitated for a moment before he remembered. Right. The new guy.

When he came back, Hans had again gotten lost in his book and it took him a good minute to lay it down with an apology. “Don’t like to quit mid-paragraph. Hard to get the thought train on the same track later.”

“No, I understand,” Erwin assured the man, wiping at the corners of his mouth with a paper napkin, looking over his strange appearance again, the ponytail at the back of his head, feeling something new and unusual, a tremor, not quite unpleasant. Not the best time to examine it, and Erwin pushed it firmly to the back of his mind, turning to the book and fighting through the gilded letters of the cover, the strange alphabet he still knew poorly. “Is that ancient Eldian?”

Hans turned the book and gazed at the cover as well. “You speak it?” he asked, and Erwin shrugged.

“Not well, but I’d manage if I had to.”

“No fear of that,” Hans said, letting out a bark of laughter. “Shadis knows full well I need an FAC guy, not another tongue-twister, so what’re you then?”

“Specialised in both,” Erwin explained quickly, just like he had to Captain Shadis, “and I was in the RAF for seven years before selection.”

Hans’ eyebrows nudged upward for a second. “That’s good,” he replied, flashing Erwin a quick smile. “You’re better off being comfortable up there if you want to last outside the Wall.”

“The Wall?”

“What we call the mountains,” Hans clarified, tapping at the surface of the table with the book. “So do you speak real Eldian or can you just read an ancient scroll?”

Erwin finished emptying his glass of water and said, “I’ve not spoken much of it outside a classroom yet, but in theory I’m fluent enough.”

“That’ll come in handy soon enough, though you’ll not be the first pick for hearts and minds operations – Nan and Mike have got that covered in our team for now, and I’ve done a fair bit of that too while I’ve been here.”

“Of course,” Erwin replied, already making a mental note of the names.

“You nervous about the desert?” Hans asked, scoffing a little when Erwin hesitated. “Don’t be. Nothing compared to jungle phase. Though you’ll want to watch the cold during the nights, it’s known to surprise people.”

“Got it.”

“If you’re ready I can show you around a bit, we’ll go meet the rest of the team,” Hans announced and Erwin nodded, running his tray quickly to the front of the Mess Hall before grabbing his kit and following the man out of the room and out of the buildings.

“For the first days you’ll pretty much be spending all of your time in either the barracks or the Mess Hall,” Hans explained what Erwin had been expecting, “and who knows if we’ll be here long enough for you to have time for anything else. Rec facilities are around the corner from the Mess, so the barracks building is just for rest – and most of us like it that way.”

“Sounds well planned,” Erwin commented, taking long strides to keep up with Hans’ quick pace.

“There’s a gym at the back of the largest building, and there are two shooting ranges – one outside and one in that furthest building there,” Hans said, nodding toward another large building that must’ve served as a cargo storage facility before all this. “Inside one’s for handguns, outside one for rifles, MGs and RPGs.”

Confirming again that the information was understood, Erwin followed Hans into the barracks, catching a glimpse of two large rooms full of folding beds, one with kit and one without, a couple of guys having a rest in the former. They walked to the back, entering another hall, and Erwin spotted his bed at once: the only one out of twenty-five without a bergan at the foot of it. He counted six people in total, catching their curious glances before Hans nodded at two of them. They both turned to face them, the other one sitting up on his bed.

“These are Mike and Nan,” Hans made the introductions. “This is Erwin – our new guy.”

Erwin shook both of their hands quickly, observing. Mike was tall, broad-shouldered, muscle after another filled with what Erwin could easily guess was deadly strength, and when the man told him he was a medic, Erwin’s smile grew wider and he felt a wave of relief. Someone like that could probably carry an injured mate all the way across the desert if need be – very reassuring, that. Nan, however, was another business. Muscular, yes, but short. If she hoisted Erwin onto her shoulders, he doubted whether she could make it a hundred yards in any direction, even on firm ground. She was the linguist, which eased his nerves a little. More likely to get injured than to carry someone injured if she was point man or Tail-End Charlie.

“You’re the signals guy,” Erwin said, turning to Hans. Not quite a question, and it made Erwin realise he’d most likely end up being point man sooner rather than later.

“Leader, and that. Also demolition,” Hans replied, stretching his arms above his head and yawning. “You reckon you’ll manage? I ought to go to a developments briefing with Shadis.”

“Still nothing from them?” Mike asked. Very low voice, West Midlands. Birmingham?

Hans shook his head, prompting a moment of seriousness before Nan spoke up – Australian.

“Don’t worry, we’ll take care of the young ‘un,” she said, smirking. “Won’t we, Mike?”

The man smiled along as Hans nodded his leave, exiting the room just as Erwin let his bergan fall by the foot of the empty bed before taking a seat and stretching his shoulders.

“You fresh off training then?” Nan asked, meeting Erwin’s confirmation with a nod, looking pleased when she heard what his background in the military was, noting the same as the others: good for an FAC guy. She concluded with a cheery, “Well, welcome to the Palace.”

“The Palace?”

“It’s what we call the HQ,” Mike provided, as low and quiet as before.

“And once we get to an FOB, you’ll understand why,” Nan picked up where the man left off. “I’ve heard someone call them shit-shacks – never heard a more accurate term.”

No luxuries then, but that suited Erwin just fine. He was already picturing it in his mind, comparing it to the training camp they’d had in Belize, though from Nan’s description he guessed any forward operating base here would be much more rudimentary, and that the HQ – The Palace – would make a more fitting comparison.

“Keep in mind that all the fun happens on this side of the Wall, and you’ll do fine,” Nan went on. “There’s a bunch of us going up to the town tonight – could easily turn into a welcome thing, if you’re up for it.”

Socialising. Few things more important than that. No one trusted a guy they knew nothing about.

“Sounds great,” Erwin told her, accompanying the words with a smile.

“Some of the Crap Hats are coming along, so we’ll blend in nicely,” Nan said with a laugh. “Keep out of trouble, though – Marley tolerates us at best while we’re on our way to the other side, and there’s a balance you don’t want to fuck with.”

“Understood.”

Nan laughed again, casting a glance at Mike. “You really are fresh off selection, aren’t you?” she said. “Still mastering those one-word replies.”

Erwin laughed as well, rubbing the back of his head, a little embarrassed. He really was the new guy through and through. “Sorry,” he apologised. “It’s proving difficult to escape that mindset.”

Nan gave Mike another glance, eyebrows raised. “You’re a bit posh, aren’t you?”

“Guilty as charged,” Erwin admitted with another easy laugh. “I was starting my third year at Oxford when I decided to join the army instead.”

“ _Proper_ posh,” Nan corrected herself, and even Mike gave a little chuckle. “Seven years in the Air Force didn’t get that out of you?”

“Afraid not,” Erwin told her, still grinning apologetically.

“Well,” she said, slapping him on the shoulder, “I promise I won’t hold that against you. Much.”

 

Nan made good on her promise to turn the night out into a miniature welcome crawl for Erwin, though there weren’t many who came along: one patrol team of the mobility troops and a dozen brownjobs, the woman – Rico – among them. Erwin had expected them all to change into civilian clothing, but when they entered the pub they were all in their BDU, and the woman behind the bar barely looked up from the glass she was filling. Frequent fliers then, this lot. Erwin glanced around the room, eyes scanning the low ceiling, the stone arches. Two windows, no exit but the main entrance that could be seen from the front of the room. More rooms beyond the bar, no doubt. A score of tables: some small and round, some rectangular, seating more people. Four customers: two women, two men.

“Drinks are on the new guy, yeah?” someone shouted from the door. The suggestion was met with loud cheers, and Erwin bought everyone a round, placing his order in Eldian; a little clumsy, it made the bartender smile. Dark brown hair, brown eyes, generous cleavage. Gorgeous. Erwin smiled back, flinching a little when someone placed a hand on his arm.

“Chatting up the locals?” Rico asked with poorly-hidden amusement as she accepted her pint of beer, and Erwin shrugged.

“Just getting the drinks,” he corrected her, passing the glasses forward to the others. “Practising the language.”

“They speak English too, you know,” the woman went on, “but I guess you guys need that stuff.”

“It’s advisable,” Erwin agreed, picking up his own pint – the last one – from the bar and excusing himself. The separation had already started, and Erwin joined the rest of the Special Forces guys at one of the larger tables. They made introductions and Henning, the leader of the mobility troop patrol team, turned to Erwin.

“How d’you like it so far?”

Erwin took a gulp of the cheap, pale lager in his glass before replying, “It’s more or less what I expected – the country and the job. What I’ve seen of either at least.”

“You did your homework before you left?” Hans asked him and Erwin nodded.

“I read up on the situation,” Erwin confirmed. “My dad used to work here back in the early 2000s.”

“In the army?”

Erwin shook his head. “Diplomat. Peaceful negotiations.”

There was a moment of silence before Gelgar put down his pint and said, “Not to say anything against your old man but… I reckon they could’ve done a better job.”

“Could’ve done a lot worse,” Hans argued. “Eldia’s autonomous, and the truce has held. It’s a lot fucking better here now than it was five years ago.”

“You were here back then?” Erwin asked Hans, who nodded.

“A quick stint. Hostage situation at the British embassy,” he explained quickly. “Even so, saw more than enough to have some appreciation for this state of things. At least now it’s only Eldia that’s fucked.”

“Fucking fanatics,” Nan muttered, taking a swig out of her glass. “Though I guess it means work for us, so probably shouldn’t complain.”

“Did the boss tell you about the extent of our guys here?” Nan asked Erwin, who nodded.

“Two air, two mobility, two mountain, right?”

“Right,” Henning stated. “The other mobility team is beyond the Wall right now – Klaus’ team – and the mountain teams are up there somewhere, Darius and…”

“Nifa,” Luke finished for him.

“And who’re the other air troop team?” Erwin asked eagerly, frowning at the glances the others pass around, at how tense the silence suddenly got.

“That’s Levi’s team.”

The silence continued until Erwin broke it with, “Are they beyond the Wall too?”

Erwin saw Mike and Hans looking at each other in passing. “We’ll talk about that later,” Hans announced. “I hope for your sake you’ll get to meet him soon. There’s no one here you can learn more from.”

“How so?”

“’Cause he’s the best,” Nan said so matter-of-factly it made Erwin raise his eyebrows and wait for her to start going back on her words, but she never did.

“He knows this neck of the woods,” Mike added, speaking up suddenly. “Been here for years. Toughest guy I know.”

“With fucking Teflon-coating up to his balls,” Gelgar put in. “Never seen someone take so much shit and have none of it stick.”

“They give him a bit of freedoms, the Ruperts,” Hans explained. “No one assigns anyone to Levi’s team. He picks you himself – if you’re lucky.”

“A couple months with him and you wouldn’t recognise the person you used to be,” Henning muttered, at which Nan scoffed.

“Give him a couple years, your own mum won’t recognise you,” she said, taking a swig from her pint.

Erwin could feel a shiver running down his spine. Could that be a goal worth pursuing? A place in Levi’s team? It sounded like danger, like action, like contact, all the things he used to crave in the cockpit.

“I’ll tell you what though, he won’t mind you being ex RAF,” Nan went on. “Never seen him look happier than during a HALO. Straight behind enemy lines with a big dopey grin on his face.”

“What did you all use to do before this?” Erwin thought to ask, drinking as they went around replying not to be left with lukewarm beer.

“We were all infantry,” Henning said. “Coldstream Guards, Tommy and I. Gelgar and Luke were Fusiliers.”

“I always suspected that’s why they teamed us all up together,” Tommy stated, giving a laugh.

“Well, unbelievable as it sounds, I seem to be the only ex-para in the whole fucking team,” Nan said, laughing. “Though Mob was para too, wasn’t he?”

“Yeah, Mob was,” Hans confirmed, pausing to drink before turning to Erwin. “He took a bit of shrapnel from a car bomb, but he’s doing alright.”

“Better than alright I bet,” Nan said. “Sleeping in a real bed, someone fluffing his pillows. Compared to the shit we’ll eat at FOB he’s having a fucking feast with that hospital food.”

“And you can guess the only thing his hands are busy with,” Gelgar joked, letting out a bark of laughter.

They chuckled at that, all a bit hesitantly and none more so than Hans, who drank again greedily before continuing. “Me, I was Royal Engineers. Good transition to my specialties from there.”

Erwin nodded, gave more weight to the spark of intelligence he had seen in the man’s eyes when they first met. They all then turned to Mike who had barely opened his mouth for anything else but drinking since they had arrived. His pint was already empty.

“Royal Navy,” he spoke quietly, only glancing up from his glass for a moment.

“Didn’t try out for the SBS then?” Erwin asked and Mike nodded.

“I did, but…” he started, shrugging. “I’d had enough of water I guess.”

He got up to get himself another beer, leaving all the explanations at that. He brought Erwin a second pint without him asking, and Erwin thanked him with a quick “cheers mate”.

“Oi! Pretty boy!” someone shouted from the other table to a chorus of laughter. Erwin turned to look at the man with a half a smile. “Buy us another one, yeah?”

“Don’t they even pay you poor bastards enough for a pint?” Nan shouted back. “Guess it doesn’t hurt your pride much to have us always providing for you, does it? Fucking man of the house we are. Go put the kettle on, dear, and make us a sandwich while you’re at it.”

The room exploded with laughter, even Mike gave a smile at that. Erwin himself chuckled into his pint, glancing quickly at the girl at the bar, who had turned to follow their conversation, smiling. Full lips, blushed cheeks. Beautiful.

“Good of you to let us women do the talking for you,” Rico suddenly spoke up, addressing her words to Erwin. “What’s the matter, sweetheart? Cat caught your tongue?”

Erwin waited for the laughter to die down again, searched his brain for a reply. “Better let her insult you. Wouldn’t want to make enemies on my first day.”

“Oh, isn’t he a good little cub. So polite,” Rico cooed at him, making her fellows soldiers laugh, and raising some chuckles in their table as well. “Come over here and mama bear will give you a nice sloppy kiss for those manners.”

“Keep it in your fucking pants, Ricky,” Henning called over the noise. “You’re old enough to be his mum, for fuck’s sake.”

“Never stopped me before,” she replied with a wink, to the amusement of them all.

“Don’t mind Rico,” Hans told Erwin once the woman had turned back to her own drink. “She’s got a thing for spec ops guys.”

“I’m not bothered,” Erwin replied, drinking his beer and glancing again at the bartender. “Must have a sense of humour about these things.”

“I bet my wife wouldn’t have much of a sense of humour about it,” Gelgar said and laughed.

“Not married,” Erwin stated, “so there’s no fear of that.”

“Thought you’d been eyeing that girl at the bar a bit too much for that,” Tommy voiced his opinion before emptying his pint. A tan line on his left ring finger. Explanation. “Right. Who needs a top-up?”

Nan and Gelgar raised their hands, but the rest of them shook their heads, even though their pints were near empty as well. Not a good idea to get drunk then, even here.

“So not married then,” Nan said, eyes narrowing when she saw Erwin shaking his head. “Girlfriend?”

“Not at the moment,” Erwin replied. “You?”

Nan’s face went blank for a moment before she shook her head as well. “Boyfriend, back in Australia,” she told him, letting out a quiet laugh. “So what’s your excuse?”

Erwin shrugged. “Haven’t found the right girl yet?” he ventured a guess, and they all scoffed into their drinks.

“Well I can tell you one thing, mate, it isn’t her,” Gelgar said, nodding toward the girl behind the bar. “Complicated enough being with someone, doing what we do, without all this war-torn, star-crossed shit thrown in.”

“Works if you make it work,” Mike muttered from his end of the table, emptying his pint. “No reason you have to be alone.”

“You married then?” Erwin asked him, surprised for some reason to see him nod.

“Two kids,” he said, his lips pulling into a smile at the thought. “Third on the way.”

“You hear about that R&R request yet?” Nan asked him, and he shook his head.

“Would like to be there when it happens, but we’ll see,” he explained quickly to Erwin before turning to stare at his pint again.

“I hope it works out,” Erwin replied, giving the man a smile, which he answered in kind.

“But really at your a– How old are you?” Nan asked Erwin, drawing a sharp breath through her teeth when he said twenty-eight. “Single, at your age. Better start minding that spunk. Not going to get any fresher you know.”

Erwin laughed into his glass before drinking down the last of his beer. “Thanks for the warning,” he said, and Nan shrugged.

“Always glad to help,” she said, slapping him on the shoulder as she got up to go to the ladies’ room.

By the time they left, Erwin had managed to exchange a couple more words with the girl behind the bar. He’d found out her name was Abelia. He’d told her he thought it was a beautiful name. She told him she had a great uncle named Erwin – not very flattering. He had considered exchanging numbers until he remembered he no longer had a phone, that he wasn’t here for fun, that he was about to go out into the desert, potentially to his death. She had said she liked the uniform, that she thought it was sexy. Damn bad luck. His timing was always off.

Erwin noticed it when they were clambering into the cars: a graffiti, hard to read because of how the paint had run along the wall, but written in Eldian. He squinted at it until Hans walked up to him.

“Sand rats,” he told Erwin quietly, smoking a cigarette. “What it says. This town is mostly Eldian, but you see a fair bit of that. ‘Go back to the desert’ and that kind of thing. The Marleyans get it too, the few who live in this town. Other than that, it’s pretty peaceful.”

Erwin looked at the words again, looking away when Hans patted him on the shoulder and turned him toward the car. He went to sit by the driver, but Rico elbowed him out of the way.

“Better ride in the back,” she said. “Cub.”

Erwin was left staring as she took over the front seat, hearing the quiet sniggering of his mates behind him.

“Best do as she says, cub,” Hans told him, putting out his smoke and getting into the backseat.

Nicknames. Given, not chosen. Shit. Fucking cub.

It had caught on by the time they got back to HQ, still on everyone’s lips when they lay down in their beds in the dark.

“Alright there, cub?” Erwin could hear Nan whisper, and though he felt like gritting his teeth, he laughed.

“Yeah,” he replied, folding one of his arms under his head. “I’m good.”

But it took him a while to fall asleep, to organise his thoughts about the day, to figure out whether the reality of it was anything like his expectations. He wasn’t sure there was a way to answer that. He’d seen too little still. But he trusted his team already, could tell they were skilled just from how they were, from the shared history they were all aware of without having to speak of it – selection and training.

Just as he was about to drift off, something pulled him back from sleep: rustling, whispers, hasty moans. Nan and Mike. Erwin listened to them, almost grew hard from the sounds – couldn’t remember the last time he’d had sex. Erwin drew his knees closer to his chest. Inappropriate.

No one spoke until they were done. Erwin could hear the whisper clearly in the silence.

“If we could actually get some fucking rest now that’d be great.” Disgruntled. Exasperated.

Erwin listened to the quiet chuckles and faint footsteps. In the morning Nan was in her own bed and no one talked about what had happened. They went for a run, had a two-minute shower, and breakfast in the Mess Hall. Hans fetched them from the rec room for a briefing in Captain Shadis’ office an hour later. The previously folder-infested desk was now covered in maps.

“Alright, here’s the situation,” the Captain started, and Erwin could see him rubbing quickly at the twitch in his eyebrow. “Team Delta Four-One were sent out to Titan-controlled territory for a recon mission. They made contact successfully a few hours after the heli-drop, and again to confirm they were good to proceed to the RV point, where they never showed up. We haven’t picked up anything from them since. It’s been ten days now.”

There was a silence in the room, and from the corner of his eye Erwin caught Nan running a hand through her hair.

“Regardless of the outcome, we need to find out what happened out there,” Captain Shadis continued. “If they’ve been captured it could mean the operation is compromised, and we need to know if that’s the case.”

“But we’ll treat this as a recovery mission,” Hans stated, already leaning over the map on the desk. “Even if they’d been captured, they’d last longer than ten days.”

“It’s what we’re all hoping,” the Captain replied, stepping closer to the map as well; they all followed his example. “The RV point was here.”

Erwin peered down at the small cross that had been drawn on the map, giving it a once over immediately after. He could see the Atlas mountains at the bottom of the page by Hans’ hands, the natural border between the lush, green coastal country of Marley, and the now autonomous Eldian region, connected by a mountain pass leading up to the city of Paradis, a gateway between the coast and the desert. Two other areas had been marked down onto the map, one extending far into the mountains in the east, not far from Paradis – Titan territory, where Shadis had drawn the little cross.

“This ought to be as covert as covert gets,” Shadis told them sombrely. “Orders to engage with the Titans only as a last resort.”

“Understood,” Hans stated briefly. “Is civilian safety a priority?”

Erwin watched as the Captain scratched the back of his head, sighed. “Success of mission takes priority. You’ll heli out to the eastern FOB tonight.”

Hans merely nodded, turning back to the map as Shadis got called into another briefing. As soon as the door closed behind him, Nan swore under her breath.

“Well, chances are you’ll get your first taste of the shit, cub,” she told Erwin, walking around the desk and leaning her forearms onto the side of the map Hans wasn’t staring at. “All this land, and fuck all to go on. Talk about search and fucking rescue.”

“And the boss talking like Titans are the only thing to worry about,” Mike muttered, shaking his head.

Erwin frowned. “Aren’t they?” he asked. “The Eldian government want us there, don’t they? The people want us involved?”

Erwin felt a sudden flash of heat surging up from under the collar of his coat as they all turned to look at him.

“You’ve got a lot left to learn, cub,” Hans murmured, turning back to the map.


	2. Paradis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Take note of the glossary I've made [here](http://hedera-helixwriteseruri.tumblr.com/private/156942249263/tumblr_ol0q9kc6AB1ufzjvo). Tell me in the comments etc whether you'd like any additions!

They were camped out around the map they had laid down on the concrete floor between their sleeping bags, and were staring at it, had been staring at it for a better part of an hour. Nan shifted on her spot, kicking her mess kit and spilling soup onto the map. Hans wiped it away quickly with his hand.

“Well, we all agree we’ll never find them by faffing about in the desert,” he said through the pencil he’d placed between his lips – a substitute for a smoke. “We’d be going around for days in a hostile environment. Worst case scenario we’d get captured or killed ourselves.”

They all agreed in quick nods and quiet mumbles, their mouths full as they ate.

“Couldn’t Levi have decided to take his team into the mountains?” Erwin voiced something that had occurred to him earlier, pointing at the darker areas on the map. “Better chances of hiding – and he could try and get in touch with one of the mountain troop patrols.”

“Even if he could find them, he wouldn’t risk compromising their positions,” Mike argued. “Those guys have been up there for months. Levi wouldn’t risk all that going to waste over something he can handle himself.”

“They had enough gear on them for a three-day mission,” Nan pointed out, “so they’ll be running very low on supplies right now.”

Left out the obvious: if they’re still alive.

“Their only chance of getting more would be to get in touch with civilian contacts,” Hans said. “Levi’s done a fair bit of hearts and minds out here, even before the Titans took over the territory.”

“So is it possible he could find civilians who could assist him out there?” Erwin asked.

“There aren’t many villages in that area to begin with,” Hans explained, “and ever since the Titans took over there isn’t much information coming through. I think we’ll be better off assuming it’s unlikely. If Levi’s tried to contact anyone, it’ll be someone outside Titan territory. A one-man op somewhere close so he can get there and back in the least amount of time.”

They all fell quiet, staring at the map. Erwin followed the lines of roads that cut through the vast blank areas all the way to their source: the gap in the mountains, and what lay at its mouth.

“I can’t see any way around it,” Hans huffed, pushing his glasses up onto his head. “It’ll have to be the city.”

Erwin frowned as Nan and Mike let out synchronised groans and Nan flourished hers with a silent “fuck”, throwing her spoon into her mess kit.

“Well,” she said, placing a cigarette between her lips and lighting it, “I guess you’ll get your first taste of the shit, cub.”

“A search and rescue wouldn’t have been bad for a first mission,” Mike seemed to agree. “This isn’t what you want.”

“What’s so terrible about the city?” Erwin asked, and they all turned to look at him.

“First rule, cub,” Hans began. “Never include civilians if you can avoid it. They’re unreliable.”

“And they’re usually surrounded by a fuck-ton of other people,” Nan supplied, nodding toward the map. “There’s about a million people in Paradis. A million things that can interfere with the mission. That means a million things that can go wrong, on top of the usual.”

Erwin understood at once and looked down at the image of Paradis again. “So you think it’s likely Levi would’ve contacted someone in Paradis?”

“It’s only likely in the sense that he has limited options,” Hans said. “If they could all make it through the desert and out of the Titan area, we would’ve heard from them by now. They could be hiding somewhere, biding their time, trying to avoid capture. One of them could be injured, and that could’ve slowed them down. Best case scenario is that HQ will hear from them tomorrow and all we’ll have to do is rendezvous with them.”

“Levi could make it to Paradis,” Mike gave his opinion, “but he’d leave a message and go back to his team. He wouldn’t try to make it to the FOB, he wouldn’t leave them behind.”

“I know his main contact,” Hans said, rubbing at his eyes before pulling his glasses down again. “Owns a café on the south side. If Levi had to leave a message, he’d go there first. If he hasn’t, we’ll be able to leave something of our own there.”

“A comms device?” Erwin asked, and Hans nodded.

“Chances are they don’t have working equipment,” he went on, “or that they don’t have a secure frequency.”

“It’s a shot in the dark,” Mike said quietly, “but I don’t know where else we could start. If the plan doesn’t work, if we still don’t hear from them, the next step will be surveillance near the Titans’ HQ, try and see if they’re being held there. But that’ll be a much harder op.”

“And if that doesn’t work we’ll have to assume they’re KIA,” Hans concluded, bumming a smoke from Nan and lighting it. “The Titans like to brag about killing SF guys. If they had killed them, we’d know.”

“And if they do kill them, we’ll sure as fuck find out about it,” Nan finished the thought, turning to the map again and hissing, “I fucking hate undercover missions.”

 

It wasn’t how Erwin had imagined he’d get to his first mission. He had expected a helicopter drop, or a HALO jump, or a 20km hike through the desert. He had expected to be carrying a grown man’s weight worth of supplies in his bergan and a C8 in his hands. He had thought he’d be going in battle-ready, heart pumping with adrenaline, breathing shallow from the strain on his body.

Instead he took the bus. The only hiking he did was from the station to a hotel. Checked in using a fake name, paid with cash. Contacted Hans and left behind the duffel bag of essentials before heading out, all the equipment on him a shoulder bag for a laptop, a fake passport, a mixed array of papers: flight information, empty postcards you could buy for pennies from the Marley capital, a mess of notes Hans had told him to write about the country – “Use your first impressions”. A discreet comms device in his ear and one concealed weapon, and Erwin felt as naked as the day he was born when he approached his position, scratching at his stubble. He wasn’t used to it. It made the heat feel worse, but Nan had practically elbowed him in the face when she had seen he had been about to shave.

“You’ve got to look the part, for fuck’s sake,” she’d told him, taking the razor from his hand. “We want you looking like a hippie freelance web-journalist, not a fucking Maserati rep on his way to fucking Dubai.”

And that had been the end of the conversation on shaving.

Erwin walked around the square, slowly, tried to seem like he had no purpose. He stopped every once in a while to take a picture. Fountain. Graffiti on the side of a building. A decorative arch above a door. He made his way into the café only after visiting a run-down looking souvenir shop and buying a few more postcards. The inside was cool, pleasant. Stone-topped round tables, soft turquoise shades on the walls, an old-fashioned display for the goods. Six customers: two teenaged girls doing their homework, an old man with a newspaper, a 20-something guy on a Skype call, a middle-aged man and a woman, maybe on a lunch date.

At the counter of the café he ordered a glass of orange juice and a slice of something that looked a little bit like Baklava. He took a seat in the corner, facing the exit and the large window at the shop’s front, took out his laptop, tasted the pastry. Sickeningly sweet. To die for.

“You’ll want to watch those carbs now, cub,” Nan’s voice spoke softly into his ear. “A moment on the lips, forever on the hips, yeah?”

Erwin forced his face to show no expression, made no attempt to catch a glimpse of her and the sniper rifle on one of the buildings across the square.

“What’s he eating?” Mike muttered, laughing quietly when Nan told him; he was sitting in a Red Cross ambulance around the corner. “Wouldn’t mind some.”

“Focus.”

The command came in quick and sharp, and Erwin turned to the laptop, started transferring the pictures he had taken earlier. Always keep an eye on the entrance. Always keep track of movement, of anything suspicious, both inside and out. Erwin connected to the café’s free Wi-Fi and started pretending to type a badly-worded draft of his latest blog post – apparently he’d been to seven other countries already, always taking pictures, living as cheaply as possible, sharing his experiences. He caught the teenaged girls looking at him, but when he met their gaze they turned away hurriedly and giggled. He could hear Nan laughing quietly through the comms.

When Hans finally walked through the door, he was dressed in a suit – not a very good one, and the jacket was too big so it would hide the gun – and carrying a briefcase. Hair combed back neatly. Erwin could hear him talking to the young woman at the register, who then fetched an older man whom Hans greeted with a handshake.

“I’m with Pakistan International Airlines,” Hans said in Eldian, and somehow Erwin could hear the accent he was using, “and I’d like to talk to you about featuring your café in our in-flight magazine, _Humsafar_.”

Erwin watched from the corner of his eye as the older man’s expression went from confusion to a wide, surprised smile. “Of course,” he said. “Yes, it would be my pleasure to discuss this. Come to my office, it’s back here.”

“Thank you,” Hans said and followed the man through the door marked “Staff only”. Erwin felt his heart-rate quickening and he filled his mouth with pastry.

Nothing happened, not inside the café nor outside on the square. The teenage girls kept looking at Erwin and giggling. He kept typing nonsense about his arrival to Paradis, about driving through the suburbs, about the occasional holes on the sides of the road left behind by IEDs. He wrote about the grey and khaki-coloured outline of the buildings, about the little shops, about the signs of devastation still visible all around.

The guy at the table next to his finished his Skype call. The middle-aged couple finished their coffees and left. Erwin started to feel underwhelmed with his first mission when he could suddenly hear Nan on the comms again.

“Some shady guys coming your way, cub,” she told him. “Two men, twenties, other one wearing a denim jacket.”

Erwin spotted them through the window. Tall, but not very strong. Could be armed – impossible to say.

“Ready to come in as needed,” Mike assured him, maybe guessing his nervousness. Could the mic pick up the thumping of his heart?

“Ready to engage,” Nan whispered just as the men walked in. Displeased, arrogant. Narrowing their eyes at Erwin as they placed their order and took a seat at the table by the window. “Well, these boys aren’t Special Forces, that’s for sure,” Nan commented their decision.

“Better safe than sorry,” Mike muttered, and Nan agreed in a mumble.

Erwin kept typing, took the occasional sip of the juice, ate the rest of his pastry. He could sense the men looking at him, could hear them speaking Eldian but couldn’t make out what they were saying. When Hans finally emerged from the backroom with the café’s owner, Erwin could feel his body tensing up much like before, but the men barely looked at Hans, who bought himself an iced tea to go before shaking hands with the owner once more, and leaving the café without an incident.

“Maybe they don’t like your stubble,” Nan suggested over the comms. “Don’t worry, cub, just finish your juice, take your time. Whatever these guys’ problem is, it’s not about the mission.”

Erwin cleared his throat, did a quick web search on the weather for the next week, wrote something about it on the blog. Constantly aware of the hostile gazes. Like insects crawling on his skin.

“Excuse me, can I…?” the young woman from the counter asked Erwin, pointing at the plate that still showed the evidence of the pastry.

“Yes, of course,” Erwin hurried to say in clumsier Eldian than he really spoke, passing her the plate. The men by the window sat up straighter. “Also, I was wondering… Do people leave tips in Eldia? Is that a–”

“Yes, tipping is a custom here as well,” she told him, smiling. The men stood up and started walking forward.

“I’ll be sure to…” Erwin started, glancing at the men with a frown before finishing, “tip generously then.”

The woman gave him another smile, which faded as she turned away and saw the men approaching the table. Erwin could see her slipping to the door behind the counter, keeping an eye on the situation.

“I don’t like the look of this,” Nan whispered in Erwin’s ear.

“Backup?” Hans asked, but Nan answered in the negative.

The men stopped in front of Erwin, looming above him. Nothing compared to looking up at the directing staff in selection while crawling in mud, and Erwin’s body made no reaction.

“Let’s see what happens first,” Nan said. “Not likely to open fire in a public place, not after having stayed so long already. Probably just blowing off some steam.”

Hans and Mike confirmed, and Erwin took his cue, looking into the face of the men, smiling hesitantly.

“Can I help you?” he asked, trying to sound polite.

“You a foreigner?”

Erwin met the man’s gaze, feigned confusion. “I’m sorry?” he asked, clearly to the annoyance of the men.

“Are. You. A. Foreigner?” the other man demanded, leaning closer to him and gesturing with his hands like Erwin was stupid.

“I don’t understand how that’s–” Erwin started but one of the men interrupted him, slapped the screen of his laptop shut.

“We don’t want you here,” he said. Angry. Voice low, attempting to be threatening. “We don’t want foreigners in Eldia.”

Erwin could hear Nan hissing a swear, could see the girl disappearing into the backroom. It distracted him for a second. “I’m sorry, I don’t–”

“Are you fucking stupid?” the man in the denim jacket said. Loud. Exaggerated. “Go back to your own fucking country. We don’t want you here. We don’t need you here. Eldia is ours. Eldia is free. Do you get that?”

“I’m just a…” Erwin started, couldn’t remember the word for “blogger” in Eldian. “I’m just a journalist, I’m just travelling and writing about–”

“There’s nothing for you to write about here!” the other man shouted. “We don’t want you writing about us! We don’t want you talking to our women!”

“That guy in the table next to yours is filming this,” Nan said in Erwin’s ear. “You have to go, Erwin. You have to go now.”

Shit. Focus slipping. Try to keep your head turned away from the window. Try to think of a way out.

“Alright,” Erwin said, lifting his hands up defensively. “Alright, I’m just going to get my things, and I’ll–”

“This is our country!” the man in the denim jacket told him, just as the owner of the café walked into the room. “We are Sons of Ymir and we don’t want foreigners here! Do you work for Marley? Are you from Marley?”

“No, I’m not from Marley. I’m British, I’m from the UK,” Erwin said, trying to pack up his things as quickly as he could, catching the 20-something guy with his camera behind the men.

Things began to escalate. The owner started shouting at the men, words so fast that Erwin couldn’t make sense of all of them. While one of the men was busy quarrelling with him, the other one finally noticed they were being filmed. Walked up to the guy, yelling. Tried to snatch the phone from his hands.

“I can film this. It’s a free country.” The only sentence Erwin could make out in its entirety.

They all continued to argue, the owner tried to push the other man out of the café while the other was still shouting at the man, trying to get his phone. Erwin gave a passing glance to the rest of the people in the café: the teenaged girls had vanished, the young woman was behind the counter, phone in her hand – calling the police. The old man with the newspaper was watching on, disapproving but not engaging. In the hassle no one was paying Erwin any mind anymore. He didn’t know what to do. Wanted to ask Nan but knew he couldn’t speak into the comms like this, not with someone filming. His instincts were telling him to intervene, to garb the phone and run, to destroy it in a safer location. Then remembered: proceed with the mission. Get out. He had to get out.

He packed up the rest of his things quickly, placed a handful of coins on the table. Met the gaze of the young woman, followed her nod and walked behind the counter to get around the fight and to the door. As he was stepping out he heard a crash, looked back and saw the young guy’s phone, broken on the tiled floor.

“Let’s hope that took care of it,” Nan said, sighing. “Just keep walking, cub. Back to the hotel.”

“Pick us up something to eat along the way,” Hans gave an order once Erwin had confirmed he was in the clear. Relaxed, like he was smoking. “A little curry place, a block east from the hotel. I’ll have the lamb biryani, extra naan.”

Erwin’s mind was still reeling as he walked into the restaurant. He did his best to remember what they all wanted to eat, got himself something he’d forgotten the name of by the time he was back at the hotel. The rest of them came in one by one, knocking on the door and he let them in. Hans and Mike went straight for the food but Nan hurried to hide her duffel bag under the bed before pulling off her hoodie and t-shirt, ripping off the chest binder she’d used to hide her breasts. She let out a satisfied groan and Erwin caught the sight of her topless figure before looking away hurriedly. Mike and Hans hadn’t so much as looked up from their meals.

“You forgot my extra naan,” Hans complained, sitting down on the only bed, shovelling rice into his mouth. “A little distracted?”

Erwin nodded and grunted, bristling a little at the amused note in Hans’ voice, sat down by the desk and poked at his curry unenthusiastically.

“You did good, cub,” Nan voiced, now again wearing a shirt, getting her container of food from the plastic bag. “Fuck. Are there any more forks?”

They all shook their heads. “You can use mine when I’m done,” Mike told her and she sat down next to him on the floor.

“First things first,” Hans stated, stopping to take a large gulp from his glass of water. “This stage of the mission seems to have been successful. I asked the guy if he’d heard from Levi, and he said he’d been by for supplies about five days ago.”

“So he’s alive then,” Nan said, smiling.

“Well, he was five days ago,” Hans agreed. “I gave him the stuff, told him to pass it on to Levi if he comes by.”

“And now we wait?” Erwin asked, and Mike nodded.

“And now we wait,” Hans agreed, turning back to his biryani as Erwin’s thoughts returned to the mission.

“So who were those guys in the café?” Erwin asked. “I mean, I know they were Sons of Ymir, but…”

“Who exactly are Sons of Ymir?” Hans finished for him and he nodded. “The simplified version is that they’re the radical wing of the Eldian separatist movement. Autonomy’s not enough. They want an independent Eldia – and they want to eradicate Marley. Expand Eldia to the coast, like it was back before the first civil war.”

“I didn’t think they’d be any danger to us,” Erwin said. “We’re here to defend Eldia’s autonomy, to try and stop the Titans from taking over. I mean, the Titans want Eldia back under Marley, don’t they?”

“Yeah, you’d think they’d want us here,” Nan replied, “since they hate the Titans even more than we do. But the thing is they don’t want foreigners involved in this. To them it’s… it’s like a sacred mission, bringing back independent Eldia. And they’re worried about blood purity, think foreign soldiers will rape their women and they’ll get mixed-race Eldians or some shit. Not to mention they especially don’t want the UK involved in this – they think you’re trying to make Eldia a British colony again.”

Right. No independence until after world war two. For queen and country and all that.

“They’ve taken over a few towns out in the desert,” Mike added, still eating. “A couple of months back a patrol team ran into them out there. They took all their gear, left them a bit of water but no guns, no GPS, nothing. Two of them didn’t make it back to the FOB.”

“Fuck,” Erwin whispered. Their silence seemed a sign of agreement.

“They’ve got supporters in Paradis,” Hans said. “Just like the Titans do. The Sons keep attacking anyone who they suspect is a supporter of Marley – and that includes Marleyan civilians who live in the city – and the Titans retaliate.”

“And when you say ‘attack’ you mean–”

“Guns, car bombs, IEDs, you name it,” Hans listed grimly. “A lot of people have moved out of Paradis, but since the truce Marley has been limiting the number of Eldians it’s willing to accept. Besides, Paradis leaves a mark on you, like a stigma.”

“It’s not easy being Eldian on that side of the Wall,” Mike muttered and Nan scoffed.

“Not easy being Eldian on this side either.”

They all fell quiet. Erwin turned to his food, finally managed to make himself eat some. Cold already, and too spicy for his level of comfort, though he thought he asked for the mildest item on the menu. His thoughts kept circling the conflict, remembering the things he read, the news coverage he followed, the videos he’d watched online.

“What I still don’t understand is,” he started, making Hans look up from his naan, “why do the Titans want Eldia back under Marley. The Titans are Eldians, that’s their nationality, their ethnic background, and like you said, being an Eldian in Marley isn’t necessarily a good life, wasn’t even before the civil war broke out. So why do they want to go back to that?”

Hans chewed on his bread for a moment before shrugging. “Fact is, we don’t really know. We’ve captured a few of them but they won’t speak. We’ve gathered that some of them went to school in Marley, so maybe their loyalties have shifted. We’ve found some weapons and equipment on them that are used by the Marley military, but we don’t know if Marley has supplied them, or whether the Titans have stolen them.”

Erwin shivered when he said, “And what if Marley has supplied them?”

Hans shrugged again. “One of the things we’re trying to find out,” he said. “If that’s the case, then it would mean the Marley government isn’t honouring the truce, that they’re using the Titans to take over Eldia while keeping their own hands clean. After all, it’s just Eldians fighting other Eldians, right? Marley has nothing to do with that, it’s an internal conflict, so no one should be able to blame them for it.”

“And if the Titans have stolen them, it means it _is_ an internal conflict, and that doesn’t make the situation much better,” Mike said, passing his fork to Nan, who finally dug into her portion. “The only reason the Titans take priority over the Sons of Ymir is because they’re better organised, have better equipment, and are a more direct threat to Eldian autonomy and the stability of the region.”

Erwin frowned. Digested the information. Tried to fit it into the picture he had drawn of the conflict before flying in. It had all sounded more simple then, or maybe he just hadn’t been paying enough attention.

“Helps to keep focusing on the objective,” Nan told him, her mouth full of chicken. “Every one of these things is a fucking mess. Better to go one mission at a time. You go in, you do the job, and you come back. You’ll never get the bigger picture before it’s over anyway.”

“If then,” Hans muttered, stuffing his container back in the plastic bag.

 

They waited, Hans in the bed, the rest of them lying on the floor. Rested. Watched television – some soap opera, a Bruce Willis film from the 90s, reruns of an American sit-com dubbed in Eldian. They told Erwin stories of past operations, both here and elsewhere. He told them about his time flying Chinooks and Apaches in Afghanistan. They talked about selection, shared experiences of the RTI stage. Mike had been the grey man too – Erwin had already guessed as much. Nan had started mirroring on instinct, and Hans… Well, Hans had just been clever, stuck to the cover story, revealed just enough to keep everyone in the room happy.

“I did selection twice,” Nan revealed. “Got dropped during jungle phase the first time. Medical reasons.”

“Fucking hated the jungle,” Mike muttered and they agreed, all except Hans.

“I kind of liked it,” he said, shrugging, “but then I was always the odd one out.”

Erwin did another food run in the evening: kebab and chips, a simpler order this time. Hans complained that the sauce wasn’t hot enough. Nan wished they’d put vinegar on her chips. They ate and waited again, left a one-man patrol and went to sleep, waking up sometime in the night to an explosion. Far, and not very strong, but it seemed to draw out any vehicle with a siren in a two-mile radius.

“Nothing we can do,” Hans said, seeing Erwin’s expression. “Like Nan said, mission comes first.”

So they stayed put, listened to the sirens, and Erwin could suddenly remember how he had felt flying the Apaches, being left behind as the Chinooks increased their speed to get an injured soldier back to base in time. He had never felt like he was doing enough in those moments, and so he had moved on from attack helicopters to heavy-lifts, to doing supply drops and medevacs, to feel like he was helping. That path had led him to the SAS. And now here he was, listening in on an emergency, doing nothing about it.

The following morning Erwin was the last to leave. Mike went first, to set up the ambulance that would take him, Nan and Hans out of the city. He needed to check out, to walk to the bus station, to wait for the bus. He tried to look at the city as he went, to see as much of it as he could, to detect the tensions beyond the surface, but couldn’t. It looked to him like many other cities in the region: large, but not very high, buildings of stone with flat roofs, busy paved roads. Ordinary people doing ordinary things, shopping, smoking, kids in their uniforms going off to school. Even the high frequency of police officers didn’t seem out of place.

The bus ride was hot, stifling. Erwin sat next to a young Eldian woman, could hear the music she was listening to from her headphones: something resembling pop. The ride was uneventful, the landscape unchanging.

The others picked him up from the bus stop and they headed for the FOB, where they spread out their camp on the concrete floor again, in a corner near the back entrance, away from the other soldiers. Starving from the long trip, they dug into their rations at once.

“At least one of us needs to man the transceiver at all times,” Hans told them, putting down the device and taking a seat.

“How long do you think it’ll be?” Erwin asked him, waiting until he had lit a cigarette.

“Levi did the supply run alone, so there’s a limit to how much he could’ve carried,” Hans replied. “My guess is that if he’s going back, he’ll do it soon, within a couple of days.”

The guess proved to be off. They waited for two days and heard nothing. Nan borrowed a deck of cards from someone and they played, betting petty change, all winning and losing so often that in the end they probably ended up with the same sums they had started with. They did patrol rounds in the desert, Erwin and Hans talked about astronomy – you could see the stars so clearly out there. He grew used to the sand under his feet, it stopped reminding him of the hard-baked earth of Afghanistan and became its own thing, a feature just of this new land.

“Why did you say that Levi’s the best, Nan?” Erwin asked on the evening of the second day as they were all lying down by the transceiver, finally finding the words for something that had been stayed at the back of his mind since that night in the pub.

Nan looked around at Hans and Mike, confused. “Because,” she started, laughed, “he is the best, mate.”

“Yeah, but the way you say that is just…” Erwin argued, lost sight of what he was trying to say, gave up. “I don’t know. It just sounds a bit strange to me.”

“It’s a combination of innate ability and experience,” Hans analysed from behind a cloud of cigarette smoke, leaning onto his elbow. “Talk to anyone who did selection with him, they’ll tell you he was second to none. Worked well in a team, was as good as a leader as he was at following others, would keep pushing himself no matter what the circumstance and would get others to do the same.”

“He was already here during the civil war,” Mike added. “He knows how to operate here, and he knows the Titans. He’s taken down more of them than anyone else.”

“They’ve put a price on his head,” Nan said, grinning, “but the problem is they don’t know what he looks like. He’s never been caught. No one’s given him up, though he’s got a lot of contacts all over Eldia.”

“The civilians trust him,” Hans explained. “He helps them whenever he can, and they know that. He’ll probably be fucking cross with me for putting one of his contacts at risk like that.”

Erwin frowned, tried to picture the person they were talking about, but failed. Everyone had weaknesses – everyone. It’s what they had to learn in training, to know their own weaknesses. From what the others were saying, it didn’t seem like Levi had any. In his mind he was imagining a man, 6’2” with a few grey hairs on his temples, but still as strong as a twenty-year-old, with the advantage of years of experience.

“You’ll see when…” Nan started and stopped, scoffed a laugh. “ _If_ you see him. He’s a fucking machine.”

During the third day of waiting, Erwin started to remember what he didn’t like about the army. Not many dull moments in the SAS selection, they were always kept on their toes, always exhausted, always prepared on some level to be pulled out of their bunks to hike across hill or crawl through mud or to answer the directing staff’s questions. The army had been different, lots of time with nothing to do but wait for something to happen. Erwin had wished he could escape that by joining the SAS, had gotten his hopes up when Captain Shadis had told him they’d be sent beyond the Wall, but in all his preparations he hadn’t expected this.

It happened just as he was slipping into boredom, a rattling noise on the transceiver that made them all sit up at once. They stared at the device that had fallen quiet, Mike passed Hans the mouthpiece. Erwin’s heart was hammering in his chest.

“This is Delta Four-One, this is Delta Four-One, we are a ground call sign in need of assistance. Over.”

That moment felt like taking a deep breath after a long dive. Erwin couldn’t explain it, how he could care so much for these people he had never met in his life. He smiled when he heard Hans’ reply.

“This is FOB Trafalgar calling Delta Four-One, I repeat, this is FOB Trafalgar. We hear you loud and clear. Specify needed assistance. Over.”

The relief in the man’s voice was obvious even beyond the white noise when he answered. “We’re in need of extraction. We have zero casualties, one injured. Had problems with security of frequency before. Will make contact later regarding extraction coordinates. Over.”

“Copy that, Delta Four-One,” Hans spoke. “Standing by to receive coordinates. Good luck out there. Over and out.” 


	3. Delta Four-One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, I know some of you got a bit worried but I'm back on track. Next chapter update should be up on 17 February!
> 
> Also, you should take note of the glossary I've made [here](http://hedera-helixwriteseruri.tumblr.com/private/156942249263/tumblr_ol0q9kc6AB1ufzjvo). Tell me in the comments etc whether you'd like any additions!
> 
> Follow me on [tumblr](http://hedera-helixwriteseruri.tumblr.com) if you want (to ask any questions about the fic etc.)!  
> I'm also on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/hederahelix_).

From the moment they heard the message from Delta Four-One, they had to be ready to go. They emptied their bergans on the floor and went through everything to make sure they had all they needed. They took out the maps again and speculated about the possible location of the RV point.

“It’ll be Titan territory no matter how you look at it,” Hans said and they all nodded along. “Most likely we’ll do a heli-drop, grab the guys and get out.”

“Quick and easy,” Nan responded and laughed, “unless we get hit by an MPADS, or an RPG.”

Erwin scoffed along, though a part of him wondered how great a risk it would be. He peered down at the map between them and calculated some distances. On a Chinook going top speed it would take them some twenty minutes to get to the edge of the Titan-controlled territory – so the whole operation could take under an hour, if everything went according to plan. It brought to his mind the few times he had piloted SAS troops to their destinations. Their efficiency had been a marvel, a temptation.

“I need to report this to Shadis,” Hans announced, pushing to his feet. “You all know what to do if there’s word from the Delta team.”

They nodded a confirmation, and five minutes after Hans had left Mike and Nan got up as well, leaving Erwin in charge of the transceiver. He expected they went to find some place to have sex. A mystery. Erwin was facing the same problem he’d had on other FOBs: no place where he felt comfortable getting off. There was always someone in the room, or someone about to walk in, and whatever half-mast erections Erwin had managed to get, he had been forced to leave them to die of natural causes. He had always wondered about the guys who could finish the job during a two-minute shower. Despite a fair bit of practise, Erwin had never acquired that skill.

Other than that, he didn’t mind the FOB. No comforts, that was true, but it was a good feeling, only having what you really needed. It created a contrast to his earlier life, a clear divide between the past and the present that he had drawn when he had joined the RAF. He had never been careless with money, or relied excessively on the help of his parents, but he had been right in the middle of that mentality, that distraction of what to buy and when to buy it, what to invest in, what he couldn’t do without. The military had given him focus. It had helped him zero in on the things that really mattered: helping people and making a difference, doing something that made his blood run hot. Now his modest pay check went toward assuring he had a home to go back to, and little else. Everything beyond that went into a savings account, though Erwin didn’t know what he would be using it for. The military gave him enough opportunities to travel – hell, they passed through the Canary Islands just to get to Eldia.

Back in the day, near fifteen years ago, Erwin and his mother had used to holiday there several times a year when his father had been working in Marley during the second civil war. It had been more practical since he had often been called away on short notice to attend to some crisis that had broken out. Even now Erwin remembered how long it had used to take for the worry to melt away from his father’s face then. It made him wonder if he’d be like that too, whether all of this would follow him home. He’d heard from the more experienced soldiers that it was like a switch in your brain that you had to learn to flick on and off. Separation of fight and rest. Otherwise you’d fly off the handle. You’d see enemies where there were none. You’d waste your rest time being in fight mode when you didn’t have to be.

It was a genuine concern. Not that Erwin was the aggressive type – he’d always kept it well in check, only let it out when it was needed. “The most level-headed bloke I know,” someone had described him during selection. But it did get to him, the waiting. Civilian life. Every moment away from living out the vision he had felt wasted. Every boredom-filled day had the potential to make him over-think, to paralyse him. Selection had been bliss. Dull times there too, sure, but they were never fully restful. And he’d had a goal, so clear that even when his body was breaking he could see it. The light at the end of the tunnel. The most important step toward what he now knew he wanted, what he had to do with his life. Anything else would be settling. Only this would keep his heart racing and his mind focused.

Erwin looked at the transceiver like willing it to make a sound. He tried to figure out what could have landed the Delta team in this situation. Their communications had been compromised, which in itself was unusual as far as Erwin understood it. Beyond that it could be an everything-that-could-go-wrong-did-go-wrong scenario. Could be that they would have been back by now if it weren’t for that one injured teammate. Erwin was itching to go. Not just because every second seemed a moment closer to the Delta team’s eventual capture – they could only avoid it for so long – but also to escape the tedium again. He was sure he’d grow to appreciate the quiet moments – but not yet, not so early on.

“No word?” Mike asked him when he returned with Nan. They both sat down when Erwin shook his head.

“It’ll take them a while to get organised,” Nan voiced, lighting a cigarette. “To figure out how far they can go, and how far it’s safe for us to go.”

“Levi could be worried that the frequency is compromised again,” Mike said, like thinking out loud. “He could be trying to think of a way to communicate the coordinates so that they only make sense to Hans.”

Erwin nodded along but didn’t speak. With Nan and Mike here he felt free to start doing his workout. He could feel Nan’s eyes on him when he was doing his push-ups.

“All jokes aside now,” she said, blowing out a cloud of smoke, “how the fuck are you still single, cub?”

Erwin laughed past the strain on his muscles and shook his head a little. “Couldn’t say really,” he replied.

Of course he did have a clue. The job was tough for girlfriends. The bonds he managed to build with women during his times off didn’t always inspire loyalty. SAS selection had been the final straw that broke the back of his latest relationship; they made it halfway through the fourteen weeks of employment training before calling it quits.

“Fuck you,” Nan threw back and Erwin laughed a little louder. “Is it the money or the chiselled good looks that have got them running for the hills?”

“I get paid the same as you, Nan,” Erwin told her and she rolled her eyes, putting out her cigarette. “As for the looks, I’m sure I’m not the best judge of that.”

“Didn’t realise the UK Special Forces take in blind people nowadays,” Nan muttered. “You’re so full of shit, cub.”

Erwin laughed again, growing breathless from the exercise. “Just seems I lack something to make that happen,” he said truthfully. “You two have clearly got something I don’t, to have been able to make it work.”

Nan and Mike glanced at each other before Mike said, “Just takes the right person.”

“Yeah,” Nan echoed. “Just takes someone who’s fine with it. Who can handle that thought that whenever you leave it might be the last time they see you alive.”

“Patient,” Mike added quietly. “Takes someone who’s patient. Don’t mind the waiting.”

“How long have you been married?” Erwin asked him. Felt a little sting of envy when Mike smiled at the word.

“Eight years.”

“And you’ve got two kids?” Erwin asked to confirm what he remembered from earlier. “Plus the one on the way.”

“Yeah,” Mike said, his smile widening. “There’s–”

“Michael junior and Mickey,” Nan interrupted him with a grin. “And the new one’s going to be Michaela, right?”

Mike uttered a quiet laugh. Some inside joke then.

“That’s about all I would’ve had the imagination for,” Mike said. “Good thing I didn’t name them.”

“Good thing your wife is the head of your household,” Nan replied.

“As she should be.”

“As she should be,” Nan repeated. “Fucking right.”

Erwin laughed. “Guess your boyfriend knows his place too then, eh, Nan?”

Nan scoffed. “Yeah, he knows what’s good for him,” she said with a smirk but then shook her head. “Nah, it’s not really like that. He’s got his own life and I’ve got mine. We’re together when we’re together and when we’re not, we’re not. He’s his own man for sure.”

Mike snorted quietly. “I’ve seen you two together,” he seemed to remind Nan, “and if you’re not the boss of him I don’t know who is.”

“Just comes more natural for me, that’s all,” Nan argued. “Thank God he puts up a fight sometimes. Have to be able to respect him for something.”

Erwin finished his push-ups and laughed. “You’re one tough–”

“Whatever you say, do _not_ say ‘cookie’,” Hans interrupted him, taking a seat on the floor. “She hates that.”

“What’s the word from the Palace?” Nan asked him at once. Erwin was glad for the change of subject.

“Shadis said he’ll get us a pilot team once we’ve got the coordinates,” Hans relayed the message. “Sounded more than a little relieved to me. But then, why wouldn’t he be? Levi’s probably got more crucial info stored up in his mind than the rest of us combined.”

Erwin felt a keen sting of curiosity, stronger with every new mention of this Levi person. He was growing into something not quite human in Erwin’s mind. A legend: Achilles, Odysseus. Andy McNab and Chris Ryan.

“So we’re all ready to go?” Hans asked to confirm and they all nodded. “Good. My guess is it won’t be long now.”

 

This time Hans turned out to be right. They barely had to wait an hour before the transceiver started giving out a rattling static noise. It prompted Hans to hurriedly grab the mouthpiece.

“This is Delta Four-One, this is Delta Four-One, we are a ground call sign in need of extraction. Do you read me? Over.”

“FOB Trafalgar reading you five by five. Ready to receive coordinates, over,” Hans replied at once, grabbing an empty sheet of paper and a pen.

“Requesting extraction at a point two-four-zero klicks west-southwest from Hastings, bearing two-three-zero degrees, and one-nine-zero klicks west-northwest from Waterloo, bearing two-nine-six degrees. Over.”

“Roger that Delta Four-One, over.” Scribbling down the numbers.

“We’re carrying a ground signal kit, white flares can be used if needed. Captain’s word for Sergeant is to put the kettle on for a cup of Earl Grey, brew-time five minutes, over.”

Erwin frowned as Hans wrote ‘EG 5’ on the paper and said, “Copy that Delta Four-One, you can tell Captain that the kettle is on. Will make contact at 1600 hours to confirm extraction, over.”

“Roger that, Trafalgar. Over and out.”

The transceiver fell quiet and Mike passed Hans a map and a compass. They watched as he drew two quick lines, one from FOB Hastings and one from FOB Waterloo. He circled the area where the two lines met, then drew another line measuring a distance of five kilometres due north from the circle he’d drawn before. Erwin calculated: seventy, maybe eighty kilometres into Titan territory.

“A little something Levi and I came up with a while back,” Hans explained quickly. “Types of tea signify different cardinal directions, brew-time gives the distance.”

“And Earl Grey is north because…” Erwin mused, finally guessing, “Northumberland?”

“Exactly,” Hans said, beaming. “A gold star for the cub.”

“What are the other directions?”

“English Breakfast for east,” Hans went on, “Prince of Wales for west, and Darjeeling for south.”

“Clever,” Nan commented, “and makes sense, considering it’s Levi.”

“Never says no to a good brew, does he,” Hans agreed, picking up the map. “I’ve got to get this back to Shadis ASAP, get the pilot team ready.”

“Levi must still be worried that the frequency is compromised,” Mike stated after Hans had left.

“Let’s hope he’s wrong,” Nan agreed. “Those bastards have been through enough as it is.”

But the trouble started already when Hans returned, his mouth a tight line as he looked down at them, still clutching the map when he scratched at the back of his head, pulling on the short ponytail.

“Well, that’s a negative on the helicopter,” he said, glancing at the map. “Turns out they’ve taken a shitload of hits from RPGs and MPADS in that area, so they won’t authorise the use of aircraft in the region for an op of this calibre.”

Erwin expected Nan to swear, but instead they all stayed quiet for the few seconds it took Hans to continue.

“But no matter,” he said, flashing them a smile despite the frown he was wearing. “We’ll take two WMIKs, fit them with GPMGs. Mike and Erwin in one, me and Nan in the other. Mike and I will be driving, Nan and Erwin are vehicle commanders and double as gunners if things get hairy. We move out at 2200 hours. All clear?”

Erwin felt a nervous twitch in the pit of his stomach, but quickly nodded, glancing at Nan when she laughed.

“Time to step up, cub,” she teased, handing Hans the transceiver. “Hope you’ve got what it takes.”

Erwin laughed. “Always up for a challenge,” he told her, feeling his nervousness turn into a fluttering excitement.

 

They waited until Hans had relayed the extraction details to the Delta team before turning back to their maps to figure out the safest route to the RV point, well clear of the Titan’s HQ – one of two they knew of. They came up with a cover story should they get captured before starting on fitting the Land Rovers with the gear and weapons they needed. After that they had a moment to rest, but Erwin’s body and mind were both too alert. He stood outside the barracks and watched a patrol team move out, wishing he could join them just to have something to do.

“You a little nervous, cub?”

Erwin winced at the nickname, turned around and saw Hans standing by the side of the building, lighting a cigarette. One thing having the rest of them call him cub for laughs, a whole other one being addressed as such by the leader of his team.

“A little,” Erwin admitted, watching as the other man walked across the sand to him.

“That’s good,” Hans said. “Keeps you on your toes. Besides, anyone who says they’re not nervous is either a liar or an idiot – and in worst cases both.”

“Guess it would be better to be able to stay still beforehand,” Erwin mused and Hans agreed in a grunt.

“I’m not so good with that either,” he confessed quietly, “though I’ll force myself if I really need it. It’s all just learned behaviour you know. No reason why you can’t get there, given some time.”

Erwin nodded. “I’m eager to learn,” he said, and Hans chuckled.

“Yeah, I sense that,” he said. “I like working with people who keep an open mind.”

“My dad did his best to teach me,” Erwin replied. A distressing thought. He was glad when Hans spoke up again.

“You said he worked here during the civil war?”

“He always said we had an obligation to get involved,” Erwin told Hans who hummed in hesitant agreement from beyond his cigarette.

“I can see his reasoning,” Hans said, “since most of the Marleyan immigrants and refugees were allowed into Eldia when it was still under colonial rule. And when the conflict broke out after world war two, after Eldia got independent–”

“We shouldn’t have pulled out like we did. That’s what my dad said,” Erwin finished for Hans. The usual rhetoric of some politicians and newspapers.

“Should’ve expected the escalation,” Hans agreed. “But then, Marley winning the first civil war was hardly the most likely outcome.”

“We should’ve done more for Eldia then,” Erwin mused. “Maybe if we had it wouldn’t have taken them near forty years to reach autonomy.”

“Can’t blame them for not trusting us all that much,” Hans said. “But still, it’d be more helpful if they realised we’re trying to help them now. This job is hard enough without everyone being against us all the time.”

Erwin agreed with a grunt. “How big a threat are the Sons of Ymir?” he asked.

Hans’ expression turned pensive. “There’s definitely a lot of resentment there,” he finally replied. “Seems to me they only agree with your dad halfway. They think we started this mess but they definitely don’t want us to finish it.”

“Compared to the Titans–”

“Compared to the Titans they’re almost a nuisance,” Hans said, putting out his cigarette. “They don’t kill us on sight at least – should give them some credit for that, I guess.”

Erwin gave a little joyless laugh. “Very generous of them,” he commented and Hans nodded.

“That famous Eldian hospitality,” he joked, glancing at his watch. “We should get Mike and Nan. It’s almost time.”

They got into the WMIKs and finally Erwin felt like he was going on a real op. Bergan in the back, full belt kit, helmet, OSPREY, handgun, C8, MG fitted onto the vehicle. He glanced at Mike at the wheel, all geared up and looking even bigger for it. Finally that fire was there, the one he could only imagine during those six months of training. His heart was open for it. His mind was open. He was ready to face anything head on, to protect the others, to get the Delta team home safely. He reminded himself of Shadis’ words: success of mission takes priority.

“Feels like I’ve waited for this for a long time,” Erwin told Mike who smiled.

“Yeah,” the man said, smirking. “It is a good feeling.”

Erwin turned to look out the window, to take in the changes in the landscape. Automatic by now – they’d been questioned so often during training about their surroundings on hikes and patrol exercises that it had become second nature to him. He could tell Mike was doing the same, even though he had been here longer, even though he’d seen all this countless times before. Something could always be different, could alert them to a new danger.

They followed a small dirt road through the desert in single file, Hans and Nan going ahead. There was nothing much to see outside: sand for miles, shrubs, a small town lighting up in the distance when the sun set, Paradis shining in the horizon to their two o’clock. Mike and Erwin didn’t talk much. The silence electrified the mood inside the car to the point where Erwin would’ve liked to speak out to ease his nerves. Mike didn’t seem to mind the calm, and not knowing whether the other man preferred to prepare that way, Erwin stayed quiet too.

“Switching to night vision now,” Hans’ voice came in suddenly through the Personal Role Radio. “Lights out.”

“Roger that,” Mike replied, turning off the headlights of the Land Rover and flicking his night vision device down from his helmet. Erwin did the same, looking out across the landscape that now showed in several shades of green.

“Are we there yet?” Erwin asked, cringing when he realised how much like a child he sounded.

“A couple of klicks,” Mike replied, now even more focused on the driving than before.

Erwin pulled his rifle closer to himself, making a conscious effort to slow down his breathing. Adrenaline made you sloppy. It made you miss things. Couldn’t have that, not here, not now, never in excess. Erwin wished even more than before that he could fill the silence with mindless chatter, a joke, a limerick, any fucking thing.

“This is it then,” Mike finally muttered, and Erwin flinched. He was peering down at the tablet attached to the control panel, at the dot that was them moving across the blank grey areas of the screen. “Titan territory.”

Erwin looked outside again. There was no change in their surroundings, no fence, no physical boundary of any kind that would’ve given you an indication of it. Just the same desert as before. The only thing that was different was the level of alertness in the car. Erwin could sense it in his body, in the air around him. Could see it in how Mike’s grip on the steering wheel tightened.

The green-lit darkness outside seemed to draw closer as they carried on through it. Senses heightened, expecting gunshots or the high-pitched whistle of an incoming RPG, or a worst-case-scenario IED blowing up Nan and Hans’ car. Erwin kept an eye out for any spark of light in the distance, anything that could indicate either vehicles or buildings, but saw nothing; they’d planned their route well. Still that tightness didn’t leave his muscles, the roar of the engine of the Land Rover felt like an open invitation for trouble, and after thirty minutes he could feel his legs starting to shiver from the strain he put on his thighs without noticing. When he finally saw Hans stopping the car ahead, Erwin didn’t know if he was relieved or even more nervous than before.

They parked the cars parallel to each other for cover, left out the camo netting due to the dark, and the fact it would slow them down if they had to make a quick escape. They took their places, each of them squatting by a car. Backs toward each other and facing the surrounding darkness. Erwin remembered at once doing patrol duty in Belize, seeing the world through that pale green lens. He saw no one. Heard nothing but the quiet clicking sounds they made holding their weapons. He glanced at his watch. 0055hr. Extraction was scheduled for 0100.

“You guys hear that?”

Nan’s voice came in double, as a whisper behind him and through the PRR. Erwin glanced back at her, saw how rigid her stance was. It was hard to hear anything beyond the headset and the helmet but Erwin strained. A faint cracking sound in the distance.

“That’s a firefight.”

Hans’ words made Erwin’s breath catch in his throat.

“You sure?” Mike asked. “You sure that’s a–”

“Yeah,” Hans confirmed, getting to his feet just as Erwin could make out a quiet rumbling beyond the PRR. “That was either a grenade or an RPG. Nine chances out of ten, that’s the Delta team.”

“Should we take the cars?” Erwin asked in a hurried whisper as they huddled together, backs against each other’s again. Erwin felt at once relieved to only be responsible for manning a quarter-sliver of the dark landscape ahead, and anxious at the thought of leaving the shelter of the vehicles behind.

“No,” Hans replied at once. “We go in, single file, element of surprise. Need to see what’s going on first anyway. Nan is point man, Erwin’s Tail-End Charlie. You take the MG. Leave the bergans, everything you need’s in your belt kit. Let’s go.”

“Roger that,” Erwin replied, moving over to the Land Rover and grabbing the mini he had loaded into the WMIK along with everything else. Fell into the line behind Mike who turned to glance behind himself.

“All good?”

Erwin nodded, though he could feel how tightly his hands were squeezing the MG in his hands.

They started running toward the sounds, feet slipping in the soft sand underneath. It made moving hard, made Erwin grow quickly out of breath. He could feel the beads of sweat pouring down his face, but he felt cold rather than hot. Nervousness rather than exertion then. He kept glancing at their surroundings, even looked back a few times, dreading the thought of seeing the headlights of the cars in the darkness. He switched to infrared a few times to see if anyone was out there but saw no one besides Mike, Hans and Nan in front of him.

The sounds of the firefight stopped a few minutes into their run but started again less than a mile later, drifting closer. Erwin could feel his heart hammering when he first caught a few flashes of light in the horizon at his eleven o’clock. Nan adjusted their course and picked up the pace. Within a few minutes they started making out voices: shouts and commands, cries of pain.

They stopped in the cover of a large sand dune to survey the situation below. A handful of guys, slowly advancing on a couple dozen others – Erwin recognised the former from their gear. The Titans had a support vehicle, an open back truck with a machine gunman in position: rapid fire. Not a good situation by any standards.

“Erwin will stay behind to take down the MG. Nan, Mike and I will go down the ridge, toward the left flank, take out the vehicle. Erwin will advance and supply cover fire, take out as many Titans as you can. All clear?”

“All clear,” they all muttered to confirm.

Erwin folded out the stand of the machine gun and braced it against the sand. Made sure it was good and stable. Aligned it toward the vehicle he could see through the NV device.

“Wait for my command before you open fire,” Hans told him, catching Erwin’s hasty nod.

“And remember, cub,” Nan whispered. “The bullets are real this time.”

Erwin watched them go, feeling naked and defenceless despite the MG that he was busily doing the final checks to. He kept replaying Hans’ orders in his mind, to find some sort of safety from them as he waited for the rest of his team to reappear in his field of vision, but Nan’s words kept drowning out the Sergeant’s. He could hear his own shallow breathing beyond the gunshots. He counted the five guys of the Delta team; all still moving, taking turns providing cover fire from behind low dunes as they advanced on the enemy.

Erwin couldn’t tell which he was dreading more, the wait or Hans’ orders to open fire. He was sweating, he could feel his pulse through every part of his body that was pressed firmly enough against the ground: a frantic thumping that made him too aware of the wrong things. What if someone saw him right now? He could be dead before he’d have time to finish his next thought. Was he really ready to take a life? What if he made a mistake and someone on his team paid the price for it? So many things could go wrong, so much was up to him now. Erwin had thought the training had prepared him for any amount of pressure, but it occurred to him now: nothing could prepare a person for this. Nothing.

“We’re in position,” Hans’ voice came through the PRR and Erwin bit his teeth together. “Fire at will.”

Erwin lined up the shot again, pushed more sand behind the bipod to keep the weapon level. He’d never killed anyone up close. Even on an Apache he’d only been the pilot and someone else had done the shooting. It had been so distant, just a threat that had been eliminated somewhere far below. Erwin could see this man, could see his movements. Could already see him going down.

“Erwin–”

Hans had barely finished when Erwin squeezed the trigger, harder than he had planned. The burst came out strong and loud, invisible until it hit the car and set off sparks. Erwin adjusted the bearing. The second burst took down the gunman who had been about to turn toward the flares that Erwin’s weapon gave out.

“Go, go, go!”

Erwin struggled to his feet and picked up the machine gun, slipping down to the bottom, the dune giving him cover. He could hear Hans shouting orders to Mike and Nan, heard a loud explosion: a grenade blowing up the car. He ran as fast as he could, circling the dune to get to the fight, only stopping a dozen yards from the burning truck and lying down on his stomach. He couldn’t see Hans or Nan or Mike anywhere, only made out shapes of people running around. They all looked so much alike. Too much alike.

“Where the fuck is that cover fire?!” Erwin could hear Nan shouting through the PRR. “Get the fucking MG in here! Where the fuck is the cub when you–”

Nan’s voice was cut off by a series of shots ringing out. The air was full of it, the whistling, the cracking, the low humming of the flames pouring out of the truck in front of him. Erwin could smell the smoke. He could see shadows in the light of the fire. His head felt heavy, he didn’t want to lift it, it felt like a target on his shoulders. The bullets were real.

“Get up,” Erwin told himself through gritted teeth. “Just fucking get up, get up, get–”

“What the fuck are you doing, cub?!” Nan shouted. “Get a fucking move on! I’ve got Titans crawling out of my arse out here!”

That thought was the trigger: Nan was in danger.

Slowly Erwin pushed his body up, crawling along with his elbows and arms, making it past the front of the car. He stopped to take a deep breath, willing the world to slow down for a few seconds before he inched forward again. He saw Nan behind a dune so low it barely gave her cover. Whenever a bullet hit it, another bit of sand was blown away. Erwin followed the shots to their source, taking a moment to line up his shots before firing. He got the first guy right off the bat – he hadn’t seen it coming – and kept the other one down for long enough for Nan to launch a grenade at the hideout. Erwin felt the sand raining down on him from the blast.

“Fall in! We need more cover! Fall in!” Hans’ voice was sharp like a whip.

Erwin felt Nan yanking him up from a piece of kit on his shoulder and he fought to his feet, running after her but remembering his training and giving them a few yards of distance. He heard bullets speeding past and threw himself down, almost panicking as he tried to see their source. He caught Nan lying down on the ground a few yards ahead, followed her line of fire but she’d caught whoever her target was. There were bullets still hitting the ground near Erwin. Real bullets.

“To your left! To your fucking left!” Nan shouted and Erwin turned just in time to see the flares from the mouth of a gun, and a head disappearing into a ridge.

He shot out a burst, then another. Stopped to wait for the man to reappear again. He could tell Nan was covering his flank, gave him a moment to focus on the target. He fired again and ran forward, throwing himself back on the ground after a few seconds to fire again. Made it to the edge of the ridge. Fired before the man had a chance to take a shot.

Erwin lowered himself into the ridge, covered for Nan when she ran over and fell down next to him. They took ten seconds to reload before getting back out. It felt like the most fucking unnatural thing in the world.

Nan spotted Hans and Mike at once and Erwin followed her, completely dependent on her. Whenever they stopped and lay down he could take a second to look around but it was all a mess of noise and motion. He tried to make sense of it, tried to figure out the best course of action. The Titans had a second MG. They were firing… At Hans and Mike? At the Delta team? Everyone looked the same. He couldn’t see a cover point. He couldn’t figure out where the shots were coming from, who was firing at whom. He saw Nan getting up but took a moment to follow, knowing every second might be too long. He didn’t know what to do, where to be, how to help.

“They’ve got the high ground on the east side dunes!” Hans shouted. “Erwin, we need that MG _now_!”

East. Erwin clung onto the word, spun around a few times before dashing forward, finally spotting a few sparse shrubs to crouch behind. Someone was already there, in SAS gear and that was all that mattered. Erwin lay down on the ground, aimed the gun at the rise ahead, saw two guys struggling up the high ground, weapons in hand, firing at the people below. Wearing what looked to Erwin like standard issue military kit. Helmets on. Night vision devices and all. Erwin hesitated, felt panicked and out of control.

“Just take the shot Erwin!” Nan screamed through the PRR. “Just take the fucking shot!”

“At fucking who?!” Erwin shouted back, pulling down his head as a score of bullets ripped through the air above – and where the fuck were they coming from?! “I don’t know who the fuck I’m supposed to–”s

“Up there you piece of shit!” the guy next to him said, pointing up at the dune. “Up there! Are you a fucking–”

Erwin gritted his teeth and fired, watched the dust flying up from the sand by the guys’ feet for a moment before he adjusted the trajectory and one of them went down. The other one turned to shoot, Erwin pulled back behind the shrubs for a few seconds before opening fire again. He could hear the muffled cry of pain carrying down from the dune but couldn’t stop.

“You got him!” the guy next to him yelled. “You got him! He’s dead, just move the fuck–”

More shots rang out to Erwin’s right and he turned, instinctively, following the sound, shielding his head for a moment before firing back. Erwin could see the man next to him getting to his feet when the enemy fire ceased and he kept shooting in short bursts toward the heap of rocks ahead. He got one of them, a bullet to the head. The other man finished off another two as soon as he got to them.

It was quiet.

Erwin looked around himself, but didn’t get to his feet until he registered the relaxed stance of the Delta team member. He saw Nan nearby, walking briskly from corpse to corpse, giving them each another shot in the head to make sure they were really dead. He spotted Mike and Hans, both walking. All in all he counted eight people – the whole of the Delta team and his own.

They all fell in quickly to start the journey back, took an initial survey of the damages – only one injured on the Delta team, and the trauma was from near two weeks ago, he’d already run 50K with it on that night alone. Erwin felt nearly too dazed to understand anything beyond the confirmation that he himself was unharmed.

They started back in a double file, Erwin as Tail-End Charlie again. His body felt heavy, like he’d been through the Sickener again. He tried to tell himself it was only a couple of miles, on any given day during selection he would’ve crossed that in under fifteen minutes. But now the sand felt like tripwire, like he would’ve had better luck trying to run on water. He was almost glad for the injury in the other team, knowing it slowed them down a little. He didn’t want to feel like he was holding them back in enemy territory.

Erwin had never been more relieved to see a car in his entire life, not even after three days in the wild during the SERE training. Both still in one piece, both exactly where they left them. Nan reached them first, counting them in as they passed her – all eight of them. As soon as he reached the Land Rovers, Mike pulled out his bergan and broke three glow sticks. He threw two on the ground between the cars, putting the third one between his teeth and kneeling next to the injured Delta team member who fell down on the ground, heaving and panting.

“My leg’s so fucked,” he huffed, wincing when Mike started pulling up the fabric. “I think I’m done, guys. I think they’ll sack me for it.”

“Shut the fuck up, Ollie,” another member of the team told him, leaning onto the dashboard of the car. A woman. London, or thereabouts. “I’ve listened to your whining for almost two weeks. No more. Just shut the fuck up.”

Erwin walked over to one of the WMIKs, refilling his bottle of water from a canister by his bergan, taking a few controlled sips as he leaned onto his knees. He watched Mike redressing the injured soldier’s wound before taking a better look at the Delta team. A five man patrol. Unusual. Four men, one woman. Their medic – German accent – was helping Mike with Ollie, a shorter, slenderer man with light, curly hair. The woman dropped her bergan onto the ground next to one of the Land Rovers, nodding when their medic took a moment to ask her if she was alright.

“D’you mind?”

Erwin looked up as someone spoke out next to him. A man. Short. Dark hair and a thick stubble – beard? – on his cheeks. Voice low. Body stocky and muscled. Very short.

“Yeah, sure,” Erwin said, jumping into action and grabbing the canister. “No problem.”

He tilted the canister and let the man fill his bottle, watched him as he gathered water into his cupped hands and splashed it across his face and neck. He then straightened his back to drink. Greedily. Growing breathless from it.

“Thanks,” he muttered, turning away. It was all Erwin could do to nod wordlessly.

He followed the man with his eyes as he walked over to Hans.

“Was the frequency compromised again?” Hans asked him at once, but the man shook his head.

“Fuckers spotted us along the way,” he replied. Strong accent. “That was our third time engaging. Fucking lucky we got here at all.”

Northern Ireland. Belfast.

Erwin could just make out Hans’ frown as he lit a cigarette. “We’ll need to move out ASAP,” he said, and the man agreed at once. “Seems everyone’s better than expected.”

Erwin heard the man grunting just as Nan walked over to him, offering him a smoke. He only noticed how badly he needed one when he took the first drag.

“Sorry about–” Erwin started, but Nan waved him quiet.

“Mate,” she said, blowing out a cloud of smoke, “the thing is… First time getting shot at, if you didn’t shit yourself, you did alright.”

Erwin let out a nervous laugh, rubbed at the space between his eyebrows with his thumb, let the smoking calm down his breathing. “Thanks,” he muttered, flinching as Nan slapped him on the shoulder.

“Can’t say you ever get used to it,” she told him. “I reckon you can’t really get used to someone trying to kill you. But you learn to deal with it. Just takes a couple of tries.”

Erwin nodded and smiled, watched her as she started to gather up the supplies and toss them in the back of the WMIKs. It took them less than a minute to get all their gear together and to pile into the cars: Mike and Erwin paired up with two guys from the Delta team, a Scotsman and the very short guy from before. Erwin kept glancing at them through the rear-view mirror, eyes drifting again and again to the darker one. Made the mistake of assuming he’d fallen asleep but realised his lids were still parted. Alert. Watchful. Ready to fight, guard up, even now. An example, a lesson, a mental note Erwin made, suddenly knowing: _this_ was Levi.


	4. Hearts and Minds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Glossary](http://hedera-helixwriteseruri.tumblr.com/private/156942249263/tumblr_ol0q9kc6AB1ufzjvo). 
> 
> Tell me in the comments etc whether you'd like any additions!
> 
> Follow me on [tumblr](http://hedera-helixwriteseruri.tumblr.com) if you want (to ask any questions about the fic etc.)!  
> I'm also on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/hederahelix_).

The Delta team were already in the briefing room when Erwin and the others entered, each giving Shadis a nod as they passed and took a seat around the table. Erwin looked over the other team – he’d been doing it since they all got back to HQ and even before at the FOB. They’d sent the one with the droopy eyes and the dirty blond hair – Ollie – on R&R on account of his leg, but they’d been told it would heal up just fine. The rest of them had kept largely to themselves. Gathered around their team leader like baby ducks around their mother, followed him everywhere. Hans had told Erwin it was their habit, that Levi liked to keep his team close.

“The way he works is a bit out there,” Hans had said, “and it sure as hell isn’t for everyone.”

Now that Erwin looked over at the man on the other side of the table – hands crossed on top of it, bloodied knuckles, strong forearms – he couldn’t help that burn of curiosity. What did it take to be on Levi’s team? What kind of skills did he look for? Or was it more of a personality thing, just a collection of the type of people who he thought would work well together?

“Alright then,” Shadis spoke up, drawing Erwin’s attention. “Now, as we all know, the Delta team did great work gathering intel during their op in Titan territory. However, most of it is need-to-know only, and you won’t briefed about it until your own mission requires it.”

Erwin saw Hans nodding, and did the same.

“Having said that,” Shadis continued, “there are some things you ought to be aware of. The Delta team’s recon has revealed that the Titans’ abilities for hacking into our frequencies have gotten some kind of a boost. As you all know, PRR communications aren’t encrypted so whenever you’re using them, you ought to be mindful of what you say.”

“Have the other troops encountered this problem?” Hans asked and Shadis nodded with a sigh.

“A couple of days ago we attempted a supply drop for one of the mountain troop teams, but the helicopter was shot down en route,” he replied. “We’ve got people working on it, but until we find a solution no team will be assigned to any op that’s likely to require extraction.”

Erwin could hear someone clicking their tongue and looked instinctively up at the source of the sound. Levi had crossed his arms across his chest, leaning back on his chair.

“That’s not to say there’s nothing for you to do,” Shadis went on, rubbing at the twitch on his eyebrow. “We’ve got a meet-up coming up between some of our guys and the Eldian military leaders. Top brass, so we’ll need a couple of bodies to make sure things run smoothly. I’m assigning Levi, Mike, Smith and Eld – a couple of big guys always make the brass feel more at ease I hear.”

Erwin cast a quick sideway glance at Levi, realised only after he’d done it how relieved he was that the other man hadn’t seen him. He was one of the shortest guys Erwin had seen in any branch of the military, though – almost disturbingly – he looked bigger to Erwin without all his gear on.

“There’s also a chance of a hearts and minds op coming up,” Shadis told them. “We’ve been contacted by Unicef, they’re doing a vaccination run in some of the more distant villages in the area and wouldn’t mind having a bit of backup. It’s not a done deal yet, but I’m thinking medics could assist, a few linguists too, and a signals guy just in case.”

“I’d like to volunteer,” Erwin said, looking around himself. “If… that’s alright?”

“I think it’s a good idea,” Hans voiced at once. “Won’t hurt for you to get some language practice – and to make a few links to the locals.”

“You can decide among yourselves who does what,” Shadis put in, “so long as it’s at least your standard four-man patrol.”

“I wouldn’t mind staying behind,” Hans said. “I’m kind of fascinated by this whole frequency thing, wouldn’t mind taking a closer look at that.”

“I can come along,” Eld promised. “So that’d be me, Smith, Gunther, and Mike?”

They all looked at each other and gave little nods. Erwin felt another flutter of excitement at the pit of his stomach. It mixed quickly with a bit of embarrassment when he remembered the firefight – embarrassment and anxiety.

“That’s pretty much it for now,” Shadis said, scratching the back of his head. “You’ll be briefed again before the missions as they happen, as per usual. Dismissed.”

They all got up and exited the room. Nan quickly caught up with Erwin and slapped him on the arm.

“You ready, Cub?” she asked him, grinning when he turned to look at her with a frown.

“For the op?”

“Fuck the op,” Nan said and snorted. “You’ve had your baptism, little one. Cause for a celebration.”

Erwin let out a laugh. “I guess a night out wouldn’t be the worst idea.”

“This is why I like you, Cub,” Nan told him, her grin widening. “This is exactly why I like you.”

 

Erwin spent the afternoon working out to process the firefight. It seemed easier now, with a couple of days of distance. They’d all told him he’d done well – very well, considering it was his first – but Erwin couldn’t help being disappointed in his own performance. In addition to that, the thought that he had killed someone, several people, kept resurfacing. Erwin gave it a careful once-over every time: it seemed like a bad thing to ignore or push to the back of one’s mind. He’d known it about the job, of course. He’d wanted to get his hands dirty. Not necessarily stained in blood, but dirty. He wasn’t naïve – well, not when it came to this.

He pummelled out his frustration on the punchbag, did a set of pull-ups, a couple miles on the treadmill before hitting the shower. It was there that Erwin saw the Delta team become human; watched them wash, caught a glimpse of Levi shaving his face – he looked young without the stubble, but Nan had told Erwin he was in his early thirties. There’d been an awkward moment when Erwin had noticed the wealth of dark hair on the man’s body when he got wet: on his arms and under them, up his legs to his thighs and between them, trailing up from between his buttocks toward his lower back. It wasn’t the kind of thing he’d usually notice about other men. Hell, it was hardly a thing he’d notice about women, even at close proximity.

That thought came rushing back again when Erwin ran into him in the dressing room. Workout gear, hands bandaged like a streetfighter’s. Their eyes met just as Levi was about to get up, and he sat back down instead. Erwin felt like he was waiting for something, and kept looking away while he waited. He only understood it when he’d finally pulled on his shirt and the other man approached him at once: the wordless code, don’t enter another man’s personal space while he’s getting dressed.

“Didn’t get a chance to properly meet,” Levi said, extended his hand. “Name’s Levi.”

Erwin took the offered hand and shook it, smiling at the tight grip that pressed the bandages into his palm. “Erwin,” he said. “Smith.”

“Heard you got some kind of a nickname.”

Erwin gave a quiet laugh. Important to seem amused by these things, but his heart did sink a little at that.

“Yeah, well,” he started, “apparently I’m Cub here.”

“That’s not so bad,” Levi told him. “Knew someone back in training we all called Crumpet.”

Erwin laughed again. “Well, sure. Compared to that.”

“You just finished yours?” Levi asked. Such a pleasant voice.

“Yeah, I’m fresh off training. Yes,” Erwin replied. “Specialised in–”

“Forward air control, yeah, I heard,” Levi interrupted him, suddenly looking more alert, the usual frown shifting a little. “Heard you were RAF.”

“Seven years,” Erwin confirmed.

“Flew planes?”

“Helicopters, mostly,” Erwin corrected. “Both attack and heavy-lift.”

Levi nodded along, and Erwin hoped the look on his face meant he was slightly impressed.

“Thought about doing that myself,” the other man confessed. “It was kind of a toss-up between that and the Special Forces.”

“The air force is great, I’m sure they would’ve been lucky to have you,” Erwin commented, but Levi merely shrugged.

“Well. Don’t know about that,” he muttered. “Just thought the Red Arrows seemed alright.”

“I’ve got a friend doing that right now,” Erwin said, smiling at the sudden head jerk Levi gave.

“I mean…” he said and scoffed. “Fucking show ponies, but still.”

“You watch them and you think about the skill it takes,” Erwin finished. “I get it. It’s… quite something.”

They fell quiet for a moment and Erwin looked at Levi. Shoulders a little bit slumped, like an instinct betraying years of training. Dark hair falling over dark eyes. All muscle, from head to heel, just strength and speed waiting to happen.

“You’re from Northern Ireland, aren’t you?” Erwin thought to ask and Levi looked up again to nod. “Yeah, it’s the–”

“Accent, I know.”

Erwin took it into consideration. Rough childhood, probably, for someone born in the early 80s in Belfast, even if he would’ve only been in his teens at the time of the Good Friday Agreement. They often found their way into the SAS – troublemakers, outcasts, guys who had faced adversity. Not that it was a definite sign of this or that, where you were from. Erwin’s curiosity peaked.

“So are you Catholic or Protestant?”

This was a mistake. Erwin realised it as soon as he’d said it. Probably not the sort of thing you asked someone, and the look Levi gave him was at best incredulous, at worst the physical manifestation of ‘What the _fuck_ did you just ask me, mate?’ Erwin took a step back. He’d said it like asking someone what football team they support. This was not the same. Not remotely.

“Oh shit,” he breathed. “Sorry. I… really didn’t mean to ask that. It just sort of… slipped out.”

“Did it now?” Levi asked him and scoffed. “Well, I don’t suppose you lot spend a whole lot of time thinking about it.”

Without saying anything further, he left. Erwin could hear him starting on the punchbag while he stood there, cursing himself. Too curious for his own good. Always asking too many questions, even as a kid. It wouldn’t make things unbearable, not in an environment like this, but as far as first impressions went, Erwin could forget whatever tentative dream he’d had about joining Levi’s team.

 

The effects of the night out lingered onto the following morning. Erwin felt he’d overindulged – not by much, but by enough to give him a headache. Bad idea to drink the night before an op, even one as harmless as this. But then, it had been in his honour – again. He’d been patted on the back more times than he could count. He hadn’t paid for a single pint. He remembered having had a long-winding conversation with Hans on some obscure philosophical topic amid getting congratulated. Even Levi had nodded from across the table where he was, surrounded by his team, and said Erwin had done good; after the embarrassment from before, it hadn’t felt quite as good as Erwin might have hoped.

They headed out at 1200 hours, flying out on a helicopter with the officers, both men in their sixties, the other bald and wiry, the other bearded and robust. Erwin felt a new kind of vigilance on board the aircraft, a steadier one. It seemed the new experience he’d gained made him calmer, not more anxious. Good. The last thing he needed to feel was more nervous, especially sharing a space with Levi again. That moment in the dressing room kept playing itself in Erwin’s mind, but never to the point where he would’ve lost sight of the mission.

“Fuck I hate this shit,” he could hear Levi muttering when they finally landed in the Eldian army’s HQ in Trost district. He didn’t even bother making sure he was out of the earshot of the officers. “Fucking waste of time.”

It took Erwin a while to see Levi’s logic. The HQ itself wasn’t much, an old military base that had clearly seen better days, most likely a few decades ago. There were handfuls of soldiers around. When they entered the largest building with Colonel Pixis and Major General Zackly, Erwin took note of the two soldiers standing guard at every door they passed through. They escorted the officers into their meeting and found their tactical positions: Mike at the door, Levi with a sniper rifle at a second storey window guarding the building’s front, Eld the back. Erwin was stationed at a small side entry from the Mess Hall, and he couldn’t tell which was hotter and more uncomfortable, the air outside or the air in the kitchen behind him. He introduced himself quickly to the Eldian soldiers standing by the door, exchanged a few words to practice the language, but focused at once when he heard Eld’s voice through the PRR.

“Have they got anything decent cooking down there?”

Erwin smiled, wiping a bit of sweat off his forehead. “Smells like some kind of a chicken thing,” he replied. “I can see rice as well.”

Eld didn’t sound too pleased. “I was hoping they’d had a kebab or something.”

“Doesn’t need to be kebab for them to eat better than we do,” Levi drawled quietly. “As long as they’re getting their food from anyone but fucking Sodexo.”

“Always ready for another mouldy surprise,” Eld agreed. “I’m more afraid of those fucking fried eggs. How the fuck do you even get mould on a fucking fried egg?”

Erwin could hear Levi clicking his tongue, but in the end he didn’t say anything.

“I could go for a kebab right now,” Mike admitted quietly. “Had some back in Paradis. Not half bad.”

Erwin barely remembered it, but Mike’s words made him envision a portion with painful accuracy, right down to the smell. Mess Hall grub was notoriously bad. Ration packs were a much preferable meal.

“How do you always get the good ops with fucking kebabs and we get stuck shitting in cling film for two sodding weeks?” Eld asked. Seriously indignant. “What was it with? Rice?”

“Chips,” Mike corrected and Eld moaned.

“Fucking fish and chips,” Levi half-growled through the PRR. Erwin shivered. “The one fucking thing I miss out here.”

“You fine with the chicken and rice then, Cub?” Eld asked and Erwin laughed.

“I guess I wouldn’t mind a good steak,” he replied, picturing it in his mind. “Medium rare, with a good bit of Béarnaise sauce. Maybe some asparagus and some duck-fat potatoes on the side.”

The dragging silence through the PRR made heat climb up Erwin’s neck and up to his face.

“Fuck kebab,” Eld finally huffed and laughed. “I’ll have what he’s having.”

“I’ll stick to my fish and chips,” Levi muttered and Erwin laughed uneasily.

After that they fell quiet. Whatever nervousness Erwin had felt before had been broken by the conversation, and a general tedium soon took its place. He started to see what Levi had meant. They all looked across the open landscape in different directions. Erwin heard the Eldian soldiers receiving reports on their walkie-talkies; nothing out on the perimeter either. They’d been reminded that out here, so far from Titan territory, an attack from the Sons of Ymir would be more likely. If they’d heard of a meeting between the Eldian command and the British, they would be likely to attempt to put an end to it. It now seemed that threat didn’t exist: either they’d not found out about the meet-up, or they simply lacked the firepower to invade the compound.

The end of the operation was as uneventful as the rest of it. The officers took their time talking, and posed for a brief photo shaking hands with the Eldian top brass. They all got back on the Chinook, flew back to The Palace without an incident, reported the non-events to Shadis. They joined the others soon after in the Mess Hall: no mouldy shocks this time, at least at their table.

“Have you heard anything from the frequency problem yet?” Eld asked Hans and swore when he shook his head.

“Latest news is they’re still working on it.”

“They’d better figure it out fast,” Levi said. “We need to get back out there, and soon.”

Erwin understood that restlessness, could relate to it, but hadn’t expected to see it so strongly on someone as experienced as Levi. He’d assumed he would have been more like Hans and Mike; steadfast on the job, relaxed whenever they could afford to be. But it seemed Levi was like him, or maybe even worse than him. He was always the first one up and the last one to lie down at night, and Erwin was half convinced that the man didn’t sleep for more than a handful of hours each night, even at The Palace. To Erwin that fire within him was a marvel, an ideal, even if he doubted whether he could ever get there himself.

“Shadis confirmed the hearts and minds op while you were gone,” Gunther told them. “Go-time’s tomorrow at 0700 hours. The Unicef people are coming here, we’ll fly out to Paradis and continue by car. Ought to take all day.”

“Should we expect a lot of trouble?” Erwin asked, shuddering slightly when Gunther shrugged.

“Not from the Sons at least,” Mike said. “It’s about the only thing they don’t mind us doing here.”

“How close to Titan territory do you expect we’ll be going?” Erwin asked now and Mike’s expression tightened.

“Pretty close,” he admitted. “It’s where healthcare is the poorest right now, and where we need new contacts the most.”

Erwin nodded, feeling that excited flutter again in the pit of his stomach.

 

They took a moment to go over the mission details, and Erwin made sure to take the opportunity to find out more about Gunther and Eld. The former was indeed German, like his accent suggested, handpicked by Levi from the German SAS. Formerly from their version of the Medical Corps, and the same age as Erwin himself. Eld was from Irvine up in Scotland, thirty-three, previously in The Royal Corps of Signals. Erwin was surprised to hear they’d joined Levi’s team at the same time.

“It’s how the Captain does it,” Eld said. “He loses one guy, he builds a whole new team. Says it throws off the dynamic in the long run to take in someone new.”

“The Captain?”

“Just what we call Levi,” Gunther hurried to explain. “Don’t get me wrong, he doesn’t ask us to. It’s just a nickname.”

Captain. Great. Not at all better than fucking Cub.

“Wouldn’t be too surprised if he was one day,” Mike muttered, but Gunther and Eld shared a glance.

“Doubt it,” Eld said. “Doesn’t seem too interested in all that climbing ladders and all.”

“What is he interested in?” Erwin asked. Grew disappointed when he saw them both shrug.

“Doing the job,” Gunther guessed. “I think he’d live out there in the desert if it meant he could work around the clock.”

“You saw him on the bodyguard op,” Eld said and laughed. “Anything that doesn’t involve direct action of some kind puts him in a foul mood.”

“I heard he’s done a lot of hearts and minds ops,” Erwin said. “He doesn’t mind those then?”

“Nah,” Eld voiced. “He doesn’t seem so friendly on the surface, but he cares a lot for the civilians, even when they’re more trouble than they’re worth. Never lets any of us forget what we’re here for.”

Erwin took in this new information and tried to fit it into the picture he’d been drawing of Levi for weeks now. He’d said he’d wanted to be one of the Red Arrows – hardly helpful for anyone, doing a bit of aerobatics and flying over Buckingham Palace. But it did get your blood running and your heart racing, no doubt about that. Perhaps Levi was an adrenaline junkie, always looking for the next fix, be it gunfire or a HALO jump or 7G weighing down on you like a sack of cement. As for the friendliness, he sure could’ve fooled Erwin in that regard. Even after all this time, Erwin couldn’t remember having seen the man smile – not even on the night out in the pub.

“You’ll see,” Eld said and laughed. “Deep down he’s a real sweetheart.”

“But when he wants to,” Gunther added, “he can make you wish you’d never had the misfortune of meeting him.”

That night Erwin lay awake for hours. Thinking. Feeling. Asking himself questions, trying to find the answers. Was it simply the way he’d built the man up in his head that made him so… He didn’t even have a way to describe it. In awe of him? Eager to impress him? It wasn’t something he usually did, though he had to admit it had happened before with some of the directing staff during selection. A kind word from any of them, a compliment of any kind made Erwin feel better than he’d felt about his letter of acceptance from Oxford. He’d looked up to them, they all had, and that was due in large part to the playing field having been uneven. It didn’t seem he should be feeling this way now, about people he was working _with_ , not working towards becoming.

And in any case, this felt different. Back then it had had that same feeling he’d had as a boy when he’d wanted to impress his father. He didn’t want that from Levi. He wanted… Recognition, but not of that sort. He wanted… Fuck, who knew? Wanted to get off, that was for sure. Needed to, really. Couldn’t remember how long it had been but could feel it, felt the urge to touch himself even now. But Levi wasn’t in yet. Couldn’t let him catch him like that, not after all the embarrassment he’d already had to endure. Erwin wondered if he should try and stay awake for as long as it took for Levi to return, but thought better of it. Better get some rest. Better be ready for the mission.

 

They left The Palace early the following morning with three army guys and three civilians: two female doctors and a man who was there in some official capacity from Unicef. No full kit this time, Mike and Gunther were in civilian clothing with concealed weapons, Erwin and Eld in standard BDU, carrying barely more than an assault rifle each. The flight over to Paradis was bumpy, the ride over to the first village only a little less so. IED holes on the roads, more and more the closer they got to Titan territory. Erwin remembered that dread he’d felt at the crossing of that border. It made him more vigilant as he looked out across the area, shielding his eyes despite the shades he was wearing. He could see smoke far away in the distance, but other than that, the horizon remained empty.

They set up the vaccination station at the local school, a two-storey building made of white stone with a flat roof. Erwin kept watching the people as they came in: mainly women with their children, the occasional man or entire family in the mix. The ages of the children were what really revealed the state of the Eldian healthcare system, ranging from babies and toddlers to kids that looked to Erwin as old as twelve or thirteen. Some of them were already crying as they waited for their turn in the empty cafeteria. Almost all of them were crying by the time they came out.

Suddenly Erwin felt a strong tug on his left pant leg. He looked down, meeting the bright blue eyes of a little girl. Blond. Five? Maybe even seven? He wasn’t so good with kids’ ages. The girl gave him a nervous little smile and Erwin kneeled in front of her.

“Hello,” he said in the best Eldian he could muster, extending his hand. “What’s your name?”

Instead of shaking his hand, the girl placed a folded-up sheet of paper in it; as soon as Erwin had it, she turned around and ran over to a man who was standing and waiting by the large windows at the front of the building. Erwin unfolded the paper and looked down at it: two stick-figures standing side by side, one of them wearing a helmet and the other wearing a white doctor’s coat, holding a syringe. They were both smiling. Above them the girl had written “Thank you for coming to our village.” Some of the letters were the wrong way around.

Erwin smiled and stood up, walking over to the girl and her father. When he reached them he kneeled again in front of the little girl. Like Princess Diana. Always look people in the eye. Don’t tower over them, especially if they’re children.

“Did you draw this?” Erwin asked her, expecting a hesitant nod but the girl answered so vigorously Erwin could only laugh. “It’s fantastic. Is that me?” he asked now, pointing at the stick figure wearing the helmet. She turned to look at the drawing for a moment then nodded again, smiling with all her teeth showing – well, all but one. A confirmation that Erwin had been on the right track about her age.

“She’s been waiting very anxiously,” her father said, looking down at his daughter and smiling.

“So you’re not afraid of getting vaccinated?” Erwin asked her and she shook her head.

“No,” she replied, holding her right arm close to her chest with her left hand. “It’s going to make sure I don’t get sick.”

“That’s right, it is,” Erwin confirmed. “You are very brave not to be scared. What’s your name?”

“Historia.”

“Historia,” Erwin repeated. “That’s a very lovely name.”

“What’s your name?” the girl asked and, without stopping to wait for an answer, went on, “Are you from another country?”

Erwin laughed. “My name is Erwin,” he introduced himself. “And yes, I’m from another country.”

“Did you bring the vaccinations from another country?” she asked next and Erwin stopped to think.

“Do you know, I’m not sure about that,” he said. “Probably. They’ve made sure they’re very safe, so you shouldn’t be worried.”

“I’m not,” she told him and smiled again as she added proudly, “I’m going to get a sweet afterwards.”

“You are?” Erwin asked and she nodded firmly. “If you’d like, I could give you a sweet right now.”

She turned to look at her father and Erwin did the same, only reaching into his belt kit after he nodded and pulling out a selection of sweets wrapped in see-through plastic. The girl chose a green one and popped it into her mouth before running off to say hello to a teacher she spotted across the room.

Erwin turned to her father and extended his hand, introducing himself again. The man, Mr Lenz, did the same. Late thirties. Dark hair and brown eyes. He didn’t look anything like his daughter.

“I have to agree with Historia,” he said to Erwin. “Thank you for doing this. We truly appreciate every bit of help we can get.”

Not likely one of the Sons of Ymir then, based on that at least. But then, it wasn’t very much.

“We’re here for the civilians, first and foremost,” Erwin said, pronouncing the words carefully. “I’ve heard some people have their doubts about that, but that is our main priority.”

“Good intentions are the right place to start from,” the man said, “but the outcome depends on whether you follow through with them.”

“I agree,” Erwin responded and smiled, “and it’s not just about following rules. It’s about having a sense of…” He stopped to search for the words. “Personal responsibility.”

“I hope you all have it,” Mr Lenz said, then stopped and shook his head. “Though that might be wishful thinking. Let’s say instead that I wish most of you have it.”

“No group of people is likely to be altogether good or altogether bad,” Erwin said. “I just hope our work will bring forth more positive consequences than negative ones.”

“I hope so too,” the man told him, turning to look at his daughter across the room, “for the sake of our children, more than anything.”

They talked for another little while, about the conflict and the history of the village, their talk getting interrupted more and more regularly by children coming to ask Erwin for sweets; it seemed the rumour was making its way around the room. By the time they left, Erwin felt he had made something of a positive first impression. The mothers seemed to find him charming, and were happy when their children were bothering someone else for a change. Little Historia waved at him through the window as they got back into the cars, and even her father nodded his goodbyes. Erwin made sure the drawing was neatly folded into his belt kit before they took off.

By the time they returned to The Palace that night, Erwin was all talked out and entirely out of sweets. He was still wondering whether he had really been flirting in Eldian; one of the mothers had seemed a fair bit friendlier than the others. He’d caught a few glares from the men. He’d held half a dozen screaming babies. But no open fire, no IEDs, no Titans. No trouble, and perhaps a few hearts he’d won over, if not as many minds.

He was on his way to the showers to wash the sand and dust off himself when it caught his eye. Levi, standing in a quiet corner of the hallway. On a call, but quiet. Waiting.

Erwin didn’t want to eavesdrop. He had better manners than that. He had better self-discipline than that. Calls like this were often intensely private and very meaningful – both good reasons for not listening in. And he wasn’t. He was on his way somewhere, and he would keep walking.

But then it happened. Erwin watched as someone on the other end finally answered Levi’s call. Watched as his face filled with relief. Filled with a smile.

“Hey, it’s me,” Erwin heard Levi say as he half-hid himself in the corridor leading to the showers. “How are you? You doing alright?”

A moment of quiet. Then Levi laughed.

“Aye, you’re right. Doesn’t want the competition, does he?” His accent was stronger than before. A call home then? Another silence, followed by, “Don’t fucking harass them, they can kill you without you even knowing.”

Erwin frowned. Odd. Couldn’t figure out the context.

“Much deadlier than me,” Levi seemed to agree with someone, laughing again. “I wouldn’t push my luck if I were you.”

Erwin glanced ahead on the hallway, knowing he should go. Not that he was learning much from what he was hearing, but it was the principle of it. He tried to command his legs to work, but as soon as Levi spoke up again, he froze on the spot.

“Sounds like they gave you the good stuff,” he said; glancing around the corner, Erwin saw him leaning against the wall he was facing, kicking the skirting board. “Aye, it is a good thing. But listen, I just called to say a quick hi so… Yeah, you know me.”

Erwin watched as Levi’s hand formed a fist against the wall. He gave it a soft punch.

“I’ll be another couple of months, so try not to croak before I come back,” the man said, chuckling again quietly at something the other person said. “Yeah, I know. Too fucking stubborn.”

He didn’t speak for a good half a minute after that other than for the occasional “aye” or “no”, and to Erwin it looked as if he was blinking more than usual. Erwin left before hearing the goodbyes still remembering his own emotional calls home from deployment – his mother in particular had been a lingerer.

He finished his two minutes, cursing again the lack of time for anything other than a quick wash-up, then walked back into the changing room to get dressed. Finding Levi there was a surprise, and Erwin himself couldn’t tell if it was pleasant or not. He could feel himself tensing up, but his resolve proved stronger than his embarrassment. He stopped for a few seconds to make sure his towel was secure around his waist – that’d be the last straw, after all – and crossed the room, stopping in front of Levi who looked at him, face nothing but frowns waiting to happen again.

“I just wanted to apologise,” Erwin started, “for that question. It was… insensitive, to say the least.”

“It’s not as simple as that, you know,” Levi told him sternly, winding the bandages around his hands.

Erwin’s breath seemed to hitch in his throat but he managed a quick, “I know.”

“And that’s not even what it’s about,” Levi went on. “It’s not about whether you’re Catholic or Protestant.”

“Again, I know,” Erwin said and shuddered. “I knew it wasn’t the sort of thing you ask someone. I really don’t know what came over me.”

“Well, like I said,” Levi muttered. “You don’t spend a lot of time thinking about it.”

“Admittedly not,” Erwin confessed and cleared his throat. “I wouldn’t mind learning more about it – if you ever have the time or… I mean, it’s in no way your _job_ to teach me about–”

Levi laughed: a single, breathless sound. “You can stop pissing yourself, Cub,” he said, only now glancing up from his work. “I’ll tell you over a pint sometime.”

Erwin felt as though he was finally able to draw a breath. “Good,” he huffed. “I mean… As I said, I’d love to learn more. And not only so I’ll not embarrass myself in the future.”

“Well,” Levi muttered, still smiling, “not sure I can teach you _that_.”

Erwin laughed and stepped back, a little awkwardly, starting to pull on some clean clothes just as Gunther ran into the room.

“Oh, good,” he said. “You’re both here.”

“What is it?” Levi asked, already on his feet and ready to go while Erwin was still struggling to find the arms of his t-shirt.

“Shadis called a briefing,” Gunther explained at once. “Says it’s urgent. Titan attack on a COP.”

Levi started unwinding the bandages from around his hands, hissing a swear. “Guess the punchbag is safe for now,” he said. Smiling.


	5. Close-range

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Glossary](http://hedera-helixwriteseruri.tumblr.com/private/156942249263/tumblr_ol0q9kc6AB1ufzjvo). 
> 
> Tell me in the comments etc whether you'd like any additions!
> 
> Follow me on [tumblr](http://hedera-helixwriteseruri.tumblr.com) if you want (to ask any questions about the fic etc.)!  
> I'm also on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/hederahelix_).

Erwin planted his feet more firmly against the floor of the passenger hold and listened to the roaring hum of the plane as he adjusted the position of the bergan strapped to his legs. He glanced around himself at the others, noticing Nan doing a third weapons check next to Mike, who was fiddling with his helmet. Hans’ face showed nothing but concentration and Erwin knew he was listening for the pilot’s message. Erwin kept his eyes on the man to be prepared, but when he finally lifted two fingers up as a sign of the approaching jump, Erwin felt a nervous lurch in the pit of his stomach.

“Two minutes,” he shouted over the noise at Mike and Nan, who held up their own fingers to let him know they had received the message.

The minute before the hatch opened felt stretched out, full of that nervous anticipation that Erwin had felt during practice jumps but that was now upped to the max. He felt as though he needed to keep reminding himself that he wasn’t in training anymore, that this was a real situation with a real target at the end of it. When Hans finally got to his feet, Erwin sprung up at once and secured the oxygen mask on his face and checked the bergan one more time before waddling toward the edge. He watched as Hans made the leap, took a moment to gather and steady himself before drawing a deep breath and making the jump.

Cold air hurled up at him and he spread his arms and legs to catch it, feeling the steadying pressure of it grab a hold of him. The world below was dark save for a few sparks of light over toward the mountains. Erwin squinted to see Hans below him and pressed his legs together and his arms close to his body, correcting his position before spreading out his limbs again. He was distantly aware of the hammering of his heart. It was like a background noise. Like a mobile phone ringing during a rock concert. The deafening whoosh of the air rushing past him filled his world. He looked at the altitude metre. The plummeting number it showed was the only thing that really told him he was falling; especially in the dark, without being able to see the approaching ground, it felt more like floating. Erwin had always loved that weightlessness, that absolute freedom that you could only really feel during a HALO jump. Even now he took a moment to appreciate it before bringing his focus back to the task.

They stayed in freefall for long enough for Erwin to start making out the rough shapes of the sand dunes below. In the quiet night the cracking sound of their parachutes opening seemed to carry far, and Erwin half expected seeing the trail of headlights snaking their way through the desert toward their position. There was no time to think of that. Guiding himself safely to the ground had to take priority. Erwin felt the strain on his legs as he fought to keep his bergan from sliding down. He couldn’t let it fall to the ground until about ten metres before landing; it hit the sand with a heavy thud a little distance from where Erwin finally planted his feet.

He ripped the mask off his face, gathered up the parachute and ran to the bergan, fighting to get it onto his back. He turned at once to the GPS, spotting the blinking red dot that was Hans and starting to walk laboriously across the sand toward him, keeping his night vision on and his weapon at the ready. He did his best to shift his adrenaline-fuelled erection, but the quick adjustments he made on the move did little to ease the situation. Forcing his thoughts back to his surroundings was harder than he wanted to admit. Everything was quiet. Erwin could hear the metallic clicks of the C8 and the soft hissing of the sand beneath his feet. He glanced behind himself, switched quickly to infrared and made out two figures in the distance: Nan and Mike. He quickened his pace to a run, reaching Hans a couple minutes before the others. Had a chance to catch his breath and to ride out the remaining effects of the HALO.

“How far did we land from the village?” he asked Hans who was already checking his map in torchlight.

“Seven klicks, maybe eight,” the man responded, sounding only a hint distracted when he pulled out the comms kit. “Should let the Delta team know our ETA.”

Erwin listened to the message to the other team with flickering focus, concentrating more on the surroundings and on reminding himself of the mission and its urgency. It had been five days since a handful of British and Eldian soldiers had been taken from a COP they’d established on Titan territory. Levi and the Delta team had been in position around the village where they were kept for two days already, observing the situation and reporting back whatever intelligence they had managed to gather. It wasn’t until earlier that same night that the situation had escalated beyond a point where more time would do more harm than good: one of the hostages had been executed, shot to the back of the head. From what the Delta team had reported, he was still lying dead there on the doorstep of the village school.

“All good?” Hans asked Mike and Nan when they finally reached them, nodding at their responses. “Need to find a better tactical position before hiding the parachutes. Erwin’s point man. Let’s move.”

Erwin felt his anxiousness rising to his throat but he confirmed the order, taking the lead with steady steps. They followed him past the dunes and up onto a ridge. Eyes sharp for any movement around them, hands gripping the weapons. They left Nan to guard the high ground while the rest of them started digging, burying the parachutes under the loose sand as well as time permitted. There was still no sign of confrontation. Nothing to indicate they had been spotted.

“Delta team are still in position. Nothing new to report, patrol duties as discussed before, hostages are still kept in the school. You all remember the plan?”

They all nodded at Hans, who did the same. They’d planned their points of entry before they’d left The Palace. The Delta team had their observation posts at the opposite ends of the village, so they’d split up into pairs and RV with the Delta team before doing a circular sweep of the target area. Erwin noticed suddenly how dry his mouth was and took a quick sip of water from his bottle. Nerves, but nothing to get worried about.

“You alright being point man on this, Erwin?” Hans asked him. “You feel like you’re ready?”

Erwin nodded. “Yeah, absolutely,” he said. And he did mean it. No point in delaying it. Just another part of the job.

“Good,” Hans stated. No less serious than before. “Ready to move out?”

After another set of wordless nods, they were on their way. Erwin led them in a steady run through the pale green landscape. The sand started wearing him out faster than he had thought. They really should’ve trained on softer terrains during selection. He could see his breath in the air that had grown cold as the sun had set. His body felt nothing of the drop in temperature. The exertion combined with his nerves again and made him sweat. Good to keep moving though. An adrenaline crash wouldn’t help things. It wasn’t time for that yet.

They climbed down and crossed a dried-up riverbed, helping each other up the ridge on the other side. Not long after they started to see a few sparks of light in the distance. Erwin gripped his weapon more tightly and picked up their pace. Switched to infrared a couple times to make sure there was no one closeby. The Titans in the village kept their patrols close, barely venturing further than a couple klicks. Erwin tried to estimate the distance. However you looked at it, they’d be there soon.

The ground got higher as they approached the mountains and they ran into vegetation more often. Shrubs and thorny bushes. A few trees here and there. The village lay in the foothills – lucky for the Delta team, otherwise they may not have found observation posts as easily. They split up two klicks before they reached it, Mike and Nan in one team, Erwin and Hans in the other. They continued up toward the higher ground, finding their Delta team pair without incident. Erwin felt relieved when he saw the other one was Levi.

“Well you guys smell like shit,” Hans greeted them and squatted down beside them. “Had fun?”

“Fuck you,” Levi muttered sourly. “Got half a bergan full of the stuff. Shove your face in it if you’re not careful.”

“Don’t mind if you do,” Gunther whispered. Never lowered the binoculars from his face.

Erwin lay down in the shrubbery as Hans chuckled. The jokes felt out of place but calming at the same time. Like this was still just training. Like the worst consequence they could face was getting kicked off the course.

Not that it was much better than death.

“Nothing new then?” Hans asked, raising his own binoculars and peering through them at the village. Erwin caught Levi shaking his head.

“They’ve still not moved the body,” he whispered. “Makes me think they mean for the rest of them to see it.”

“Would put the hostages in one of the rooms at the front of the building then,” Hans muttered back. “Would make extraction easier.”

“Unless that’s what they want us to think.”

“That would be a first,” Hans mused. “Reverse psychology.”

“Never know, do you?” Levi replied, stopping to rub his eyes. “Still, don’t know how we could be any more prepared than this.”

The words made Erwin breathe more easily. Helped make time pass faster as they waited for Nan and Mike to make it to the rest of the Delta team. Erwin still felt his heart skip a beat when the communication came in.

“The board is set,” Hans muttered. “Just need the right moment now.”

While they waited, Erwin could feel the cold seeping onto his skin even through the heavy gear. The more the adrenaline wore off, the more he could feel his body tensing up. He gritted his teeth and tried to fight off the feeling, to stop it from reaching his mind and making him anxious again. To calm his nerves he glanced quickly at Levi’s dispassionate, focused exterior before turning back toward the village, catching a moment of light. Like someone had opened and closed a door.

“That’s the outgoing patrol,” Gunther noted. “Five minutes.”

Hans relayed the message to the others and placed the comms kit in his bergan.

“Time to go,” Levi whispered and got up on his knees. “Smith’s point man, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Erwin whispered back. In a four man patrol, signals guy and medic were always in the middle. Demolitions guy couldn’t be the first one through the door. That left just him.

They snaked down the hill in a line. Slightly crouched over, weapons at the ready, silencers in place. The quiet sounds their gear and footsteps made seemed loud enough to wake the dead. They kept going until Erwin heard voices ahead and raised his fist as a sign for the rest of the team to stop. They continued forward even more quietly than before. Erwin was so aware of the rest of the team behind him that he got goosebumps on the skin at the back of his neck. The patrol team was approaching from straight ahead. Chatting in Eldian. Expecting nothing. Not a care in the world.

Erwin didn’t take them out a moment before they were raising their weapons. Even so, they didn’t have time to shout or raise an alarm – not that it would’ve reached the village anyway. They left the bodies behind and moved forward. The others came in through the PRR at regular intervals. They were forced to stop again a couple hundred metres before the village to wait for the other team to reach their position. It was the worst part. Nerve-wracking, even with Levi walking up beside him.

“Just keep picturing the map in your head,” he told Erwin. Like knowing he was nervous. “The only civilians in the village are the hostages. Can’t go wrong with the shots you take.”

“Thanks,” Erwin whispered. He adjusted the position of his helmet and NV device, did one last check on his weapon. Ready as he’d ever be.

“Alpha team in position,” Eld’s whisper came in through the PRR.

“Roger that, Alpha team. Move out,” Hans answered, nodding at Erwin.

He started leading them toward the village again. Fast pace, heart racing, teeth gritted to keep fear at bay. His eyes scanned the surroundings, looking for anything, any bit of movement. He could hear his own breathing, like the helmet was an echo chamber, always bringing the sound back to his ears. Back at The Palace Erwin had agreed with the rest that this was the best way to enter the village, but now he wished they would’ve opted for a heli drop instead. Just a quick drop into the village, no wait, guns blazing. He did his best to turn the thought around. Told himself this was good practice for keeping his nerves in check, for shouldering responsibility. Always good to gain experience of stealth work – if he ever made it to another op.

They’d raised a perimeter fence – steel wire, nothing they couldn’t work with – and set two people to guard it. Erwin took out the first one, hearing the muffled gasp of pain right after the quiet shot from his C8. He couldn’t tell who had taken care of the second, the shot was simultaneous. As soon as the guards were down, Levi came forward in a run, pulling out bolt cutters while the rest of them gathered around him, securing the surroundings. They crawled through the hole he’d made, regrouping for two seconds before carrying on.

Erwin stopped at the door of the first building – reserved for the patrol teams – to draw a breath, to push away the thought that he could get shot as soon as he entered the room. He caught one encouraging nod from Hans before twisting his fingers around the handle and pulling. A second later his hand was back on his rifle and he fired. Two guys at a table, eating something that smelled like lamb. Neither had long enough to reach their weapons. The other one – stubble, reddish hair – collapsed on top of the table. The other slid down onto the floor. With the room being lit up, their bodies looked grotesque.

“Move on,” someone whispered behind Erwin, he couldn’t quite register who.

They continued around the village, emissaries of silent death. Levi set off small explosives to breach some of the locked doors. It alerted the people inside, made clearing the building a game of speed and accuracy. After five buildings, they were still winning and Erwin thought he finally knew what all those months of training had been for. But the village was beginning to wake.

The final straw didn’t come from their team, it came from the others. Gunshots broke out, loud like shotguns, fast as MGs. It changed the game, made eliminating threats more dangerous but more direct. They got them as they poured out of the buildings, always stopping to do a quick sweep of the rooms they’d vacated. There was a close call when Erwin wasn’t fast enough checking behind one of the doors and Gunther almost paid the price for it. But Levi’s finger was faster than the Titan’s.

They approached the school building more and more slowly, getting bogged down in gunfights, fighting for every metre gained. The cracking and whistling of the bullets grew numbing, so different from his first time. Erwin knew better what to do now. Listened to Hans’ orders. Made his own decisions when necessary. The fear of sudden pain, of sudden death, was still there but something kept it at bay. Locked up. To be continued. Awaiting procedures.

The Titans didn’t have night vision devises – a considerable disadvantage – but they still had gear. Bullet proof vests. Military grade weapons. One of them fired an RPG but missed, blowing up a house instead. Erwin felt a few small rocks landing onto him – soft knocks through the kit he was wearing. The burst of flames from the burning house helped with visibility and Erwin had a second to think whether the Titan hadn’t meant to miss to even the playing field. But Hans was urging them onward.

Run, lie down, fire. Run, lie down, fire.

Just like he’d been taught. The chaos was controllable. They could take cover behind the buildings. They could approach the enemy strategically. More organised. Safer.

But there was no way of counting for the unpredictable. Turning a corner, Erwin caught sight of and fired at a Titan, expecting him to go down easy, like the others. Instead the man charged at him, screaming. Took another bullet and kept running. Dropped the grenade in his hand when Erwin fired at his arm but didn’t stop, didn’t stop until they were face to face, less than two metres between them and Erwin finally got one through his head. He could see the man’s eyes losing focus a second before he fell down, head coming down to his boots. Bleeding all over them.

“Fuck,” Erwin breathed, stepping back. His heart was pounding fast enough to make his head spin. “Jesus…”

“You alright?”

Erwin kept staring at the body until Levi shouted and punched him hard on the forearm. He nodded once and followed the man to the rest of his team who had sped past him as soon as he had stopped. He assumed his position again, leading the charge into the last two houses before the school. Six more kills. One of them was a woman. Erwin didn’t know why that surprised him so much. He didn’t quite know how he was still going on.

The other team were already in tactical positions around the school, trying to eliminate the threats shooting down at them from the windows. Other Titans were still approaching the area, taken down one by one or in pairs, most often by Levi with the MG. No injuries so far. Erwin crouched behind a building to reload his rifle, using the moment to take in the situation. Overall fewer gunshots ringing out than before. Erwin nodded at Hans when he ran over to him.

“Petra and I will give cover. You guys get the hostages – now!” Levi’s voice came over the PRR.

“Team Delta entering through the main door, Alpha takes the rear exit,” Hans gave the command.

“Roger that,” Eld came in. “Getting into position now.”

Erwin peered around the corner and saw a few people running toward the school house, firing here and there as they went. Someone was providing cover fire, but he couldn’t tell anymore if it was Levi or Petra. Time to steady his breathing. Time to regain focus.

When Hans finally gave the order and the machine guns started firing, Erwin could feel his stomach dropping a little. He felt Hans’ heavy slap on his shoulder and raised his weapon, going around the corner. A Titan burst through the door but fell almost at once. Erwin was only a split second too late to take the shot. Gunther fell in at the next corner, joining the line after Hans. Erwin could see the body of the dead Eldian soldier lying face-down in front of the door. Kept glancing at it when they made it that far and Hans started working on a breach. He was still fixing the explosive on the door when Eld’s team got theirs down.

“No visual of the hostages yet, clearing ground floor now,” he came in. Voice low and quiet.

“Just passed a set of stairs to the basement off the east side hallway” Mike continued. “Moving upstairs after ground floor. Basement’s yours.”

“Roger that,” Erwin confirmed just as Hans stepped back from the door.

When the controlled blast blew up the lock, Erwin ran quickly over the threshold, turning left and right and seeing no one. He felt Hans and Gunther behind him as he headed east, checking the empty classrooms on the way. Somewhere further on he could hear the occasional gunshot or two. No call of a man down came.

“Ground floor clear,” Eld came in just as Erwin reached the stairs. “Moving to first.”

Hans copied and they started down. Stone walls on either side of the steps at first, opening on the right side at the landing where the stairs took a turn. Erwin felt his heart in his throat when he turned the corner. Gunman, target. Two shots in quick succession and the Titan went down. Hans handled the one behind him just as fast.

They found the hostages in a storage room; Hans blew the lock. A windowless room with nothing much in it except school books and other equipment. Fourteen people, a few injured, only one unable to walk. Hans reported to the other team, who had finished the sweep of the first floor. They exited the building through the main entrance and joined Levi and Petra on the square which had fallen quiet. An eerie relief. He watched as two of the better-off hostages lifted their dead friend off the ground.

“Ready to move out?” Levi asked them all, nodding toward the rest of the hostages; the one most badly injured was resting on Mike’s broad shoulders.

Hans nodded and Eld signalled their ETA to the extraction team before they all took off, exiting the village through the main gate of the perimeter fence this time. They started their journey across the desert, moving slower now with the hostages. Most of them hadn’t eaten or slept well in days. Erwin kept his night vision on, gun at the ready, though nothing disturbed the quiet night. He caught a few dim sparks of light in the mountains, but nothing besides that.

Not until the flare trail of an RPG shot through the air. Fairy dust on the NV, a starburst caught on earth. The explosion a good twenty metres behind them filled the world with a bright green torrent.

Their column threatened to break with panic. The nerves of the hostages were already fucked from all they’d been through. Erwin didn’t blame them for screaming and trying to take cover, soldiers though they were. He’d probably not felt all that good either with no weapons and no gear. Even now his legs were ready to give out.

Nan was the first to return fire, shooting her own RPG toward what she thought was the source of the first. The darkness ahead yielded nothing until a faint glimmer ahead revealed another approaching grenade. Erwin held his weapon uselessly in his hands; any shot he’d take would be nothing but waste of ammo from this distance.

“Erwin and I will stay behind and call for air support! The rest of you, get the hostages to the RV point!” Levi’s voice came through the PRR. It gave Erwin’s life a sudden purpose. Made him focus even more on the coordinates already running in his head.

“Roger that!” Hans copied, rallying up the teams and continuing at a run. Nan was still firing even when they were passing out of sight.

Erwin kneeled down next to Levi who was busily fitting the RPG launcher onto his weapon. They shared a quick glance, nothing else. Erwin knew what to do.

“We need to set off a ground flare,” he told the other man quickly. Fell quiet when he launched the next RPG.

“Do it,” Levi answered and looked over to where the rest of the teams and the hostages had disappeared. “I fucking hope you’re fast, cub.”

Erwin let out his nervousness in a bark of laughter. Contacted the air support, gave the instructions: the coordinates of the village (good thing that fire was still burning) and the estimate for the position of the shooters from the flare. He pulled it out of his bergan and set it up. Knowing they could both be blown up at any second made his hands shake.

“Ready?” he still confirmed from Levi. Caught his hasty nod as he got to his feet. Fired.

The flare shot up, a ball of bright red light that cast its glow over the sand. Betrayed their position. Erwin and Levi set off in a run, back toward the village. The RPG hit the ground where they’d been hardly ten seconds earlier. The blast threw them both down. Erwin felt the collision in his body through the thick gear. All he took away from it was the absence of immediate pain. Got back up and kept running. Slowed down to make sure Levi did the same.

“Go! Just fucking–”

The next blast hit the ground no further from them than the first. Erwin threw himself flat against the ground and shielded his head. When he glanced up he saw Levi scrambling to his knees. He’d fired the RPG by the time Erwin got back to his feet. He could already hear the whooshing sound of the approaching plane. It shot through the sky a long half a minute later, setting the dark horizon ablaze. The sound of the explosion came in together with a message from the air support team. Erwin replied quickly. It seemed they hit the target right on.

“Levi, extraction is underway. What’s your ETA?”

“Four minutes,” Levi told Hans through the PRR, pulling Erwin along from his forearm as he started to run again.

“ETA four minutes,” Hans’ voice spoke in Erwin’s ear. “Roger that.”

They could hear the helicopter long before they reached it. The rest of them were already on board, all save for Hans, who helped them onto the Chinook with strong pats on their backs. Erwin fell onto the floor. He wanted nothing more than to pull off his helmet. Not a good idea. A hundred more things could go wrong before they were back at The Palace.

“Is anyone else fucking starving?”

Erwin looked over at Hans. Suddenly he couldn’t help the laugh bubbling up inside his chest and he let it out in loud, breathless guffaws. Adrenaline mixed with relief. Mostly, anyway.

“Yeah,” he said. “Wouldn’t say no to a good old-fashioned MRE.”

“The tuna pasta’s alright,” Levi muttered. “Could go for a good warm brew as well.”

“Shower first though, eh, Levi?” Hans said.

Erwin couldn’t hear Levi clicking his tongue, but somehow he could still tell the man had done it.

“Fucking always,” Levi agreed, “and especially now. Fucking sickening.”

 

They didn’t get to the showers until after a quick check-up with medical. Erwin could recognise several of the hostages in the sick bay, treated for everything from dehydration to something that looked like an animal bite. When he finally got out of his gear, his body felt lighter than he’d ever thought it could. Walking to the showers felt like floating. Almost everyone was already gone – Erwin had been held back when he’d mentioned the close-range kill. It was just him and Eld and Levi.

“Good job on the air support,” Eld told him, rubbing soap under his arms.

“Thanks,” Erwin replied and stepped under the shower. The drops of water felt like they were rolling off his body. “It’s always easier in good company.”

Levi looked up at that – proof that he’d been listening – and gave a curt nod. Didn’t speak. Erwin thought he caught him glancing his way a few times, furrowing his thin brows – such a contrast to the wealth of hair elsewhere on his body. For the first time Erwin thought the man looked mildly confused. But he never acknowledged the words. Erwin didn’t know why he wished he had.

Once the others had left, Erwin began to really feel the effects of the waning adrenaline. That pattern of up-horny-down that made him run a lazy palm over his length – even that unenthusiastic touch was enough to make it swell up to a half-hearted partial. Erwin leaned on the shower wall and closed his eyes. Exhaled slowly. Thought of the girl in the bar. Thought of how that first night in Marley could have ended. But his mind drifted quickly to the actual events and they shot through his mind in a blur. How he had first heard of Levi then. How they had rendezvoused in the desert. How that HALO jump had made him even harder than he was now. How that Titan had charged toward him, refusing to die, like some character in a film or a video game. The stuff of nightmares. How the light had dimmed in his eyes, right in front of Erwin’s.

Well, that thought at least took care of the problem, even if not in the way Erwin would’ve hoped. Still left without release. Twenty-one days and counting.

After washing up they moved on to report the events to Shadis and the other higher-ups. Erwin was again kept in the room after the others had left, to give a special report on the strange behaviour of the Titan. He was surprised to hear it wasn’t anything new. Apparently they sometimes did that sort of thing, behaved irrationally, charged toward gunfire as if it was nothing. Despite a handful of psychological evaluations on the few Titans they had managed to capture alive, no one had come up with any plausible explanation to the behavioural anomaly.

“Was this your first close-range kill?” Shadis asked him. Frowned when he nodded. “You might notice that it takes its toll. It’s always good to go talk to someone after a thing like that.”

“I don’t think that’s really necessary,” Erwin said. Remembered it again in a flash and a shudder. “I’ve always been a steady kind of person.”

Shadis nodded. “Well, if you find yourself obsessing over it, you should reconsider,” he told Erwin without much emotion. “There’s no shame in it. The best of us get sometimes rattled by the stuff we have to go through in this job.”

Erwin promised to keep the advice in mind, though he still doubted ever needing it. They fell into a period of waiting again, and the thought of that kill didn’t come up again – at least not more than a couple of times. He had no nightmares. At some point he started wondering whether it all was a sign that he was somehow deranged. A sociopath. Someone with diminished reserves of empathy. But none of it was a serious concern. They would’ve found him out during selection and sent him packing had that been the case.

He did consider bringing the subject up with Levi. The man had been there when it had happened, and if other Titans had exhibited similar behaviour, Levi might have had a similar experience in his past. But whenever he saw Levi, surrounded as he was by his team, Erwin couldn’t help deciding against it. The remnants of his earlier embarrassment still lingered. He couldn’t quite exorcise the demons of that first conversation they’d had, nor could he quite forgive himself for that moment of eavesdropping he’d done. He sometimes thought about it, lying awake at night. Tried to guess who Levi had been talking with. Wife? Girlfriend? Erwin couldn’t quite put his finger on the why of it, but for some reason both options felt unlikely.

On one quiet morning in the Mess Hall, he found Levi’s team sitting leaderless at one of the tables and joined them. They were a strange bunch to spend time with, he’d come to realise. More tight-knit than most teams. Their conversations were heavy with jokes only they could understand. Not that they weren’t friendly, but Erwin always felt like an outsider at their table, like none of the topics they discussed really concerned him. And whenever they talked about Levi, he felt again like he was overhearing things he shouldn’t. It happened again that time, when Gunther suddenly spoke up.

“The Captain speaking with the hospital again?” he asked Eld, who nodded. “Has he had any news?”

“I think it’s pretty much the same as before,” Eld replied, “but I haven’t asked.”

“Is he asking after your team mate?” Erwin couldn’t hold his curiosity. Somehow the caring came as a surprise and still felt like the most natural thing.

“Nah, it’s not about Ollie, it’s about-”

“Something else,” Petra interrupted, glaring at her teammates before turning to Erwin. “Sorry. It’s just that he’s a private sort of person. And we really shouldn’t gossip.”

“Oh,” Erwin voiced, glancing at Eld and Gunther. He could see his own embarrassment reflected back at him. “I see.”

“He just doesn’t really like people knowing his business,” Petra went on. “If he wants to, I’m sure he’ll tell you himself.”

Needless to say the whole thing left Erwin feeling even more curious than before, but he wasn’t nearly mad enough to go and ask Levi about something he wasn’t even supposed to know about in the first place. He kept an eye on the man, noticed when he went off on his own. Tried to study his features when he came back but they were always as blank as before. No one seemed to notice his interest, to Erwin’s relief, even with the time they now had on their hands. A likely explanation for it were the Eldian soldiers who had stayed behind at The Palace to recover from their injuries. They were a good bunch of people and they never got tired of buying the Special Forces guys a round at the pub. They shared their stories eagerly and Erwin found out more about the Titans. He’d assumed them to be much like other terrorist organisations, but there were things about the Titans that didn’t add up to his preconceived image. Some of the things didn’t even make sense. He’d thought sexual violence to be a problem in the Titan controlled areas and among the hostages they took, but he was corrected one night by a female soldier of the Eldian military forces – Frieda. Long, dark hair and large blue eyes. She looked almost familiar. She was young, not much older than eighteen. Too young for Erwin to have any sort of interest in her and still keep his conscience clean.

“They’ve been castrated,” she said, following her words up with a very helpful hand gesture when Erwin didn’t understand the word. “Well, not the civilians who help them of course, but the Titans themselves.”

“Why?” Erwin asked her. “What advantage is there in that?”

Frieda shrugged. “Beats me,” she voiced, rolling up her sleeve. “They gave me something else though.”

Erwin gritted his teeth against a wave of discomfort when he saw the bite mark under the bandage Frieda lifted. He’d assumed it was an animal bite, but she told him one of the Titans had done it. Bit into her arm like it was nothing.

“They’re sick people,” she told him. “Very sick. And they need to be put down. We’d do no less with an animal that does a thing like this.”

Erwin nodded, though he didn’t like the comparison.

“They’d do this to children too, no hesitation,” Frieda declared with absolute certainty. “Wherever they go, they spare no one. That’s why I fight. To keep my family safe.”

“You’re married?” Erwin asked, a little shocked, but Frieda shook her head.

“I have a sister,” she explained. “Well, half-sister. Same father, different mother. All of them are dead now though. I was lucky enough to find her a place with a foster family – she’s only six years old.”

 

It wasn’t until a few days later when they were asked to do a follow-up of the vaccination drive with Unicef that Erwin connected the dots and realised what it was that made Frieda look so familiar. It turned out her half-sister was Historia, the little girl who had given Erwin the drawing as she had waited for her turn to get vaccinated – he’d saved it and pinned it on the wall above his bed as a kind of reminder of why he was there. When they set out again from The Palace with the Unicef workers, Frieda joined them; she’d gotten a few days of R&R while she finished recovering and wanted to spend them with her sister.

“Planning on buying the affection of the public?” she asked Erwin, grinning, when she saw him stuffing all of the sweets from his MRE pack into the pockets of his belt kit.

“Just the kids,” Erwin told her with a laugh. “I’ve got a winning smile for the grown-ups.”

It turned out to be a successful formula once again. While Mike and Gunther were busy with the check-ups, Erwin did his rounds in the waiting rooms, handing out all of his own sweets and all of Mike’s and Gunther’s too. This time he was sure some of the mothers were flirting with him. Erwin didn’t mind it.

He even met Historia again, and was witness to her happy reunion with Frieda. The girls embraced each other while Erwin shook the hand of Historia’s father, who now seemed much more convinced of the British army’s good intentions.

“It’s what we’re here for,” Erwin told him. “Best part of the job, helping others.”

The man could barely stop thanking him. Even invited Erwin to his home for a dinner, a small token of his appreciation. Erwin hesitated, but took down the man’s phone number when he said he’d help them with whatever they needed, if the need ever arose. He asked Mike about it on their way to the next village, whether he thought it was a good idea to accept an invitation like that.

“I can’t really say yes or no,” the man told him. Erwin could barely hear him over the engine of the car. “I’ve only done it once and it was fine. I think a lot of the time it comes down to instinct, and what you can find out about the people beforehand.”

Erwin’s thoughts stayed on the invitation for the rest of the day, but when they finally returned to The Palace he was no closer to a decision than before. He joined the rest of the air troop in the barracks while Mike was pulled away by Shadis. Most of them said the same thing Mike had: find out as much as you can about these people, and trust your gut feeling.

“That girl Frieda seemed a bit fanatical to me,” Levi muttered from his bed. Lying on his back, arm under his head, one knee up. “But that doesn’t have to mean the rest of them are. And it doesn’t have to mean she’s got anything against any of us.”

“You work with the civilians a lot.” It wasn’t a question, and Erwin felt a moment of regret for revealing he knew something about Levi. Until the other man smiled.

“I like the people here,” he said. “War gets rid of the bullshit. No one here has time for that. Makes things simpler.”

Erwin nodded along with his words. Tried to find something of himself in that, but failed. He’d never really minded social courtesies, or whatever Levi meant by “bullshit”. Of course he’d run into a pretentious wanker or two in his day, but even that had been a nuisance rather than a real source of displeasure. Clearly Levi had less patience for that sort of thing than he did.

They continued their easy conversation, talking about the desert and comparing stories of training. Mike joined them after a couple of minutes but took a seat on his bed without saying anything, keeping quiet even after. Erwin lifted his feet up onto his bed and leaned against the headboard. Always kept a sly eye on Levi’s half smiles, ears open for his huffs of quiet laughter. He wondered whether the man might mention something regarding his mysterious phone calls when the topic switched to things they missed from home. He was proved wrong, yet again.

“If I were home right now,” the man said when asked, “there’s only one thing I’d really want to do.”

“And what’s that?” Nan asked him. Erwin noticed her casting another wary glance at Mike.

“I’d go straight to the nearest beauty parlour and get my arse waxed.”

Erwin nearly choked on the biscuit he’d been eating. It took a few strong smacks from Hans to get him to stop coughing. No one in Levi’s team looked surprised, but Nan broke into a fit of cackling.

“You’re joking,” she said but Levi shook his head.

“I’m tired of getting shit stuck up there,” he told her. “Next R&R, I’m taking care of it first thing. Won’t see me sweating over spending another two weeks in the desert. I’ll be all set.”

Erwin had to admit there was a logic to it but much like Nan he couldn’t stop laughing at the thought.

“Jesus Christ, boss,” Eld muttered. “At least go say a quick hi to your family first. How do you think they’d feel, knowing they came second to an arse waxing?”

“Trust me, they’d understand,” Levi told him and Erwin laughed again. “And it wouldn’t even take much explaining.”

“My mum would end my life if I didn’t go straight home when I get back,” Eld said. “She’s worse than my girlfriend. She needs to mark it down in a calendar so she won’t forget.”

“Not to make you needlessly anxious,” Petra voiced, “but I’d be worried about that.”

They all watched and laughed when Eld’s face grew from confused to a hilarious sort of horrified. Only Hans shook his head, smiling like a parent who knows better.

“You don’t have that problem, do you, Mike?” Eld asked the big man who still hadn’t said so much as a word. “I bet she knows exactly when you need to be home, eh?”

“Yeah,” Mike replied, sitting up and planting his feet on the floor. Rubbing at his face. “Too bad I won’t.”

They all fell quiet. All feeling too uncomfortable to speak until Nan said gently, “You didn’t get the R&R?”

Mike shook his head. “Not until December,” he muttered, leaning onto his knees. “Promised her I wouldn’t miss another one but… Not much I can do about it.”

No one spoke for another ten seconds and then they all started mumbling their variations of “sorry, mate”. Useless words, and they all knew it too. Erwin was still thinking about it when he lay in bed that night. Thought about how – besides his parents and a few good friends – he had no one. It might have bothered him before. He might have given a second thought to Nan’s jokes about how he was still not married at his age. But after seeing Mike so broken up, if anything it felt like an advantage – but still, it did not feel good. He thought about his past relationships, tried to see what it had been that made them fail. To say he’d not been attentive was an understatement. The distance had made him grow easily bored, made him miss a warm body rather than the person beyond. The same could be said about the women. Once they had realised what it meant that he was a soldier, they’d quickly found financial consultants and car mechanics and dog walkers. And he’d never regretted being deployed again, not once, not with anyone. He’d never cried over a break-up. No one had made him feel alone when he was in Afghanistan, made him fear for the grief his death would bring. He’d never felt like one half of a whole. As he listened to Mike and Nan and the murmuring of their conversation, Erwin felt he’d caught his first glimpse of how crippling loneliness could be.


	6. Strain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well. What can I say?

A small and rattling electric fan disturbed the beaded curtain that hung in an open doorway, making it swing back and forth with a hot and stuffy current of air that circled the room slowly. Erwin could see the street outside through the strings of pearls. Hard-packed reddish brown earth. A house across, one-storey, just like this one. A car going by every now and again, never so much as slowing down. He wondered if the curtain was meant as a cheap alarm system as well as a way to let in air without letting in bugs.

He pulled back his focus when Mr Lenz handed him his iced mint tea. Wet glass, sweating heavily, and the drink inside tasted sweeter for how cold it was. He thanked the man quickly and smiled at his wife who rolled in on her wheelchair, a serving platter of appetizers on her lap. A dark-haired woman, short and plump. Wide, full lips and round cheeks with dimples when she smiled.

“I hope you’re not a vegetarian,” she told Erwin, laughing when he shook his head. “Good. No way to pretend that lamb is a vegetable, after all.”

Erwin laughed at that and took another sip out of his drink just as Mrs Lenz lay the platter onto the table and encouraged him to try one of the little tartlets. Lamb mince, heavily spiced – cumin and chili, and a whole lot of other things besides – with a buttery crust and a dollop of yoghurt on top. Absolute heaven.

“This is delicious,” Erwin complimented quickly. “Did you make these?”

“I did,” Mr Lenz interrupted, dropping a tartlet onto his plate. “I’ve always enjoyed cooking.”

“We have what some might call unconventional roles in the house,” Mrs Lenz said. “I earn most of the money and he keeps the house.”

“I think it’s great when couples find their own ways of doing things that work for them,” Erwin commented politely, grabbing another tartlet. So good. He could eat a hundred.

“Are you married?”

Erwin shook his head at Mrs Lenz’s question and emptied his mouth quickly. “Tough line of work for that,” he explained, guessing Mrs Lenz wouldn’t push the matter out of politeness.

“Was there something specific that drew you to the military?” she asked next, leaning an elbow against the table. “Do you consider it a calling?”

Erwin thought back to all the reasons he had when he left university, but in the end settled on a simple, “I wanted to help people. That was always my main priority.”

“But why as a soldier?” Mrs Lenz kept asking. Wheels turning in her head, Erwin could sense from the directness of her tone. “Why not as a volunteer for a relief agency, for example?”

Erwin finished his gulp of water and took the few seconds to think about the question.

“The military felt like a long-term solution,” he explained, “as far as my own life was concerned. I saw more career opportunities and chances for personal growth in the military than I saw in volunteering.”

“Do you think it’s an appropriate thing to do as a–”

“You have to excuse my wife,” Mr Lenz interrupted. Exasperated, pouring more tea into his own glass. “Incessant questions are an occupational hazard.”

Erwin half expected Mrs Lenz to take offence but she merely laughed and apologised.

“I’m a journalist,” she explained quickly, brushing a strand of hair off her face. “And Joseph is right, it is an occupational hazard.”

“I didn’t mind,” Erwin assured her though he wasn’t sure it was true. “How long have you been a journalist?”

“Oh, over a decade now,” she told him. Talking fast. Another occupational hazard, no doubt. “I was a foreign correspondent during the war until I had to quit – for obvious reasons.”

Erwin nodded but didn’t look at her wheelchair. He could hear a car driving past on the street outside. Not slowing down.

“I still write, and I have a blog,” she explained. Paused to take a hurried sip out of her drink, like she was used to doing things in a rush. “I guess that’s the thing these days.”

“It does seem that way,” Erwin said, his focus moving to Historia when she ran through the front door. White dress and braids. No shoes, and Mr Lenz quickly told her off about it.

“Go wash up,” he urged her, going on to mutter, “How many times do I have to tell you?” In German. It took Erwin a few seconds to register the change in language.

“Joseph is a third generation immigrant,” Mrs Lenz explained, noticing Erwin’s confusion. “His grandfather came to Eldia from Switzerland. Hence the name.”

“Though we’ve grown quite detached from our Swiss roots since then,” Mr Lenz said. Checked the timer on his phone. Probably something in the oven. “I’ve never even been, myself.”

They kept talking through the main course – a spicy stew with couscous, a little heavy on the parsley but definitely better than barracks’ grub. Mrs Lenz – Margaita – talked about her work during the war and the IED along a road to Karanes that left her paralyzed from the waist down. Erwin found most of what she told him fascinating, especially her wealth of knowledge on the conflict. Before the war she’d been active in covering the efforts of the Marley government to erase the history of the separate districts and that were built for the Eldian population after the first civil war, recording the stories of people who had been forcibly moved from their homes.

“It was a bad time to be a journalist,” she said, laughing, “and a bad time to be an outspoken bitch of a woman. I barely avoided prison more often than once. The Marley government and Monarchy were clamping down hard on freedom of speech. I don’t think any newspaper I worked for then lasted longer than six months.”

“I thought they instituted a…” Erwin paused to search for the word. “A shared parliament, a co-operative parliament? I thought the Eldians–”

“Sure, it was shared in name,” Margaita said, “but in truth the electoral process was heavily tampered with. Most of the Eldian population had been displaced during the war and resettled in the desert past the mountains, and the temporary government only set voting stations in one city on the east side – Paradis. Imagine it. Four voting stations for all the people who lived east of the mountains, a large majority of them Eldians. There was no decent infrastructure, many of the people had lost everything. How were they supposed to travel to Paradis to vote on anything? No wonder there was a majority for Marley, and once they had the majority, they weren’t going to give it up either.”

Erwin nodded and took a large gulp of his iced tea. He’d had the good sense to refuse a glass of wine he was offered. The heat of the room grew by every hour the sun spent bearing down on the house. Through the beaded curtains Erwin could see the air rippling above the bungalow across the street. He could smell his own armpits sweating.

“Even now I’m sometimes shocked that an autonomous Eldia even exists,” Margaita went on. Waving her wine glass as she gestured with her hands. “That was certainly not the solution the Marley authorities were after. They never wanted a two-state solution like this, under these terms.”

“They got cocky,” Joseph put in, smiling unhappily. “They thought they had us from the start of the war. They didn’t expect such a resistance.”

“Eldia had good strategists,” Erwin mused and his hosts nodded eagerly.

“Without Kruger, the Restoration War would’ve ended very differently,” Margaita said. “The Revivalists were a lifeline for a lot of people. They helped me out a tight spot once too.”

“And what do you think about people saying that without the Revivalists, the Titans wouldn’t exist?” Erwin asked. He remembered reading an opinion piece in a newspaper back home. “Do you think they organised simply out of opposition to the Revivalist movement or–”

“I think that’s a crass oversimplification,” Margaita agreed at once, shaking her head. “I also think it’s stupid to blame a movement that advocates for human rights for the opposition it creates. You can’t say that groups advocating for civil rights in America are responsible for the existence of the Ku Klux Klan, or that women advocating for reproductive rights are responsible for someone bombing an abortion clinic. I think whoever came up with that idea ought to stop trying to get their writing published.”

“But aren’t there differing opinions on what the Eldian Revivalist movement advocated for?” Erwin asked her. “Isn’t it an oversimplification to say that they advocated for human rights? As far as I know, they didn’t want a two-state solution any more than Marley did. And there were radical elements that–”

“Name a group that doesn’t have radical elements!” Margaita exclaimed, wine threatening to spill over the edge of her glass. “The suffragettes used to bomb things and set places on fire, for fuck’s sake, and no one in their right mind now says that the movement was worse for it, or wishes it hadn’t existed.”

“Correct me if I’m wrong but from how I understand it, some of the radical elements were less concerned about Eldian civil rights than they were about Eldian superiority,” Erwin argued, frowning. “Their manifestoes read like the diary of a… Nazi doctor, or–”

“Look,” Margaita interrupted him again. Strong willed – a diplomatic way to put it. “Are there a few bad apples in every bunch? Sure. It’s my bet that if you started looking, you’d find a few in every movement that ever existed. But a few bad people don’t negate the good that came out of the work the movement did. I think it’s misguided to label the Sons of Ymir the radical wing of the Revivalist Movement. Whatever their goals are beyond an independent Eldia, they don’t represent the Revivalist Movement.”

“But there are people who would characterise them as such?”

“Like I said, there would be no autonomous Eldia today without the Revivalist Movement, and that’s just a fact,” she told him again. Changed the subject. “There would be no Eldian communities or culture or heritage or language, if not as half-forgotten clusters scattered here and there in the desert.”

Erwin didn’t have the heart to point out that most Eldians seemed to him to live as clusters scattered in the desert, and was glad when Joseph changed the subject. They finished their dinner with a traditional Eldian goat’s milk custard dessert, talked about safer topics. Global warming, the Middle East, the economy. On the drive back to the FOB Erwin kept returning to the conflict in his mind. He’d never thought about the Sons of Ymir as the radical wing of the Revivalist Movement before. Made a mental note to ask Hans about it but forgot when he saw the Delta team gathered around two WMIKs outside the compound. No weapons mounted.

“Heading out?” he asked Levi who nodded.

“Got the team together and the shitshow with the frequency is under control,” he said. Erwin glanced at the injured member of his patrol team – Ollie – who had flown in a few days earlier. “Can finally stop sitting on my arse and get to work.”

“Good luck out there,” Erwin told Levi. Felt like slapping him on the shoulder but decided against it and continued toward inside the FOB instead. Wanted to pretend he didn’t feel a little dismayed that Levi’s team was leaving. Wanted to pretend he wasn’t yearning to go with him.

“Good job on the forward air control.”

Erwin turned around when heard the words. Frowned and brought the mission back to mind. It had been a good two weeks. Odd to get a compliment on it now.

“Thanks,” he told Levi, waved his hand and kept walking. His steps felt a little lighter than before.

He found Mike and Nan in the barracks, resting on their bunks. He settled down on his own, yawned and lifted his feet up. Sensed something strange about the silence, like the two had been talking about something and only stopped because he walked in. He glanced at Mike on his bunk: eyes closed but not asleep. He’d been more quiet than usual for days.

“How was your hearts and minds thing?” Nan asked Erwin, arm folded under her head.

He shrugged. “Pretty interesting,” he said. “Conversation got a bit heated.”

“Talked about the war?” Nan asked, nodding after Erwin did. “I’d stay off the subject. A lot of them cry and it’s just as bad as the yelling. Can’t expect any of them to be reasonable about it.”

“I saw the Delta team heading out,” Erwin mentioned – more to change the subject than anything else. Wondered if Nan and Mike knew anything about where they were going and why.

“They got a job in Paradis.”

“What kind of job?” Erwin asked but Nan merely shrugged.

“No idea,” she said, yawning. “Left in a hurry though. Only got briefed half an hour ago.”

Erwin nodded quietly and spent another couple of seconds trying to figure out the Delta team’s mission. Another surveillance job, maybe? Though it didn’t seem likely they’d be sent into Titan territory with so little gear.

“Guess they’re not in a hurry to send us anywhere,” Erwin commented. A shame, that.

“Don’t worry, cub,” Nan told him, laughing. “It’ll happen when you least expect it.”

 

There was no call out that night, or the next. A few days passed before Hans decided to find a way to keep them busy. A 15K run in the desert, he said. Full gear, twenty-five kilo bergans, rifles and usual belt kit with an extra five litres of water and backup comms kits each. Five hours, couldn’t be gone longer than that – and Erwin knew it was generous, compared to what they were given during hill phase. They set out at midday when the weather was starting to heat up. No point in making it any easier, but Erwin was still turning a few choice swears over in his mind when he felt the sweat pooling under his bergan.

“We’re setting off here,” Hans said, pointing out the FOB on the map and drawing the route. “Looping around and following the supply route back along the sand. Shouldn’t run into any trouble this close to our own guys but keep your eyes open.”

“Roger that,” Erwin muttered, checking his C8 was unloaded and swinging it onto his back. “Usual positions?”

“Nan leading, Erwin’s TEC,” Hans confirmed. Took a sip out his bottle of water and strapped the bergan properly onto his back. “Alright. Let’s head out.”

They set off at a decent run, falling into formation. Erwin took his place behind Mike and focused on his breathing to forget about the sun that was turning his helmet into a pressure cooker. He wanted to think about the Fan Dance over Pen Y Fan, to compare this to something he had already lived through, the nineteen hours and six minutes he had gritted his teeth and kept going even when the heat had threatened to beat him. Fifteen kilometres in five hours was laughable compared to sixty-four in twenty, a good part of them uphill. But Eldia was not Wales, and this was not an unusually hot Welsh summer day – and the hard ground they got to do the Endurance on was not loose desert sand either.

He rationed his water despite the constant thirst and the dryness in the back of his throat that nearly made him gag. Kept his eyes on Mike’s back, focused on the steady rhythm of his running. The tirelessness of it. Some rational part of his mind knew the man must’ve been struggling but none of it showed; his boots fell as steady after the first hour as they did after the first ten minutes. Erwin matched it with his own pace, stopped noticing the looseness of the sand. Took a gulp out of his bottle here and there. Found the task became easier when he kept his thoughts in check, focused on pacing his breathing.

On the second hour, Nan started lagging behind. Erwin noticed it in the slowing down of the pace until Hans spoke up to urge her on. It only helped for a moment. This time Hans said nothing, took the lead without issuing orders. Erwin caught Mike’s quiet encouragements to Nan over his own panting breathing but ran past her a few minutes later. She only caught up with them when they stopped to refill their bottles at the halfway point, falling in three minutes late. She threw her bergan on the ground with a swear and yanked her helmet off her head to wipe her forehead.

“Mike,” she called out and opened her bergan, still running her sleeve over her face. “I’ve got to get some of this kit off me.”

Erwin watched, astonished, when Mike walked across the sand and lay his bergan down next to Nan’s, pulled it open and started making room for Nan’s extra water and comms kit. He took a gulp out of his bottle and held his breath, expected Hans to say something. Grew angry when he didn’t.

“I can’t believe you’re doing that,” he said. Had no intention of masking the accusation in his tone and didn’t feel sorry for it when Nan turned to look at him, asking him what he said. “It’s your kit. You’re supposed to carry it.”

“I’m fine taking it,” Mike said before Nan managed to get a word out. “Always good practice for a medic to carry more weight.”

“That’s not the point though is it?” Erwin argued, getting to his feet. “What if one day someone needs to carry you? Or Nan needs to carry one of us? How’s your good practicing going to help us then?”

“Are you fucking serious?” Nan asked him. Already furious. “Are you seriously fucking comparing a training march to a–”

“We’re training for real missions and we shouldn’t treat training any differently,” Erwin interrupted her. “The whole point of–”

“Don’t fucking tell me what the point is,” Nan said, voice low and quiet. “I went through the same fucking selection as you did. Don’t you fucking start explaining it to me.”

“Then you should know you need to carry your own weight,” Erwin told her. Kept calm. “How are the rest of us supposed to trust that you’ll–”

“Hey,” Mike cut in, stern and imposing but before he could continue, Nan shook her head and grabbed her extra water out of the man’s bergan and shoved it back into her own.

“Fuck this,” she muttered. Shut her bergan and shrugged it onto her shoulder before turning to Erwin. “And fuck you.”

“Nan,” Hans called after her when she started running. She didn’t turn back. “Shit.”

“You shouldn’t have said that,” Mike told Erwin. Shook his head and lifted his bergan onto his back.

“Let’s just…” Hans started, pausing and shaking his head. “Let’s just get going, sort this all out at the base.”

Erwin said nothing further, just followed the others’ example and swung his bergan onto his shoulders. He could see Nan in the distance through the rippling desert air when they set off. The incident distracted him for the rest of the exercise. Kept his mind off the rivulets of sweat running down his body under his gear. They never caught up to her.

When he stepped under a shower at the base, he still felt he had been right. Nan had been out of line, trying to pawn off her own load to someone else. And it wasn’t as if Mike didn’t have enough weighing him down already. When a score of splashing footsteps echoed suddenly behind him, Erwin turned around. Had half a second to register Nan before she had shoved him against the tiled wall and grabbed him by the throat. Still in full gear against Erwin’s own nakedness. Face stern, teeth gritted. Her other hand clenched into a tight fist.

“Don’t you ever try and pull shit like that with me again,” she spat at him, hand rigid around his neck. “Question me like that again and I’ll cut your fucking balls off. D’you understand?”

“Understood,” Erwin grunted, grabbing Nan’s wrist and yanking her hand off himself – it took more effort than he thought it would’ve.

“Watch yourself,” she told him. Gave him one last look of contempt before leaving the shower, water dripping from her gear onto the tiled floor.

“You alright, mate?” a guy asked him from the next shower over, swearing when he nodded. “The fuck is her problem?”

Erwin thought about the question when he got dressed, felt it was well deserved. Understood Nan’s anger, sure – he’d feel cross too if someone questioned him like he had questioned her. But knew he’d have been able to contain it had it been as well-deserved. He had trouble understanding Hans’ reaction too, felt as a team leader he was supposed to be thinking about what was best for the team in the long run, not prioritise the individual needs of its least capable member.

He planned on bringing it up with him, but Shadis called them into a briefing before he got a chance to. The mission details were simple enough: a compound at the edge of Titan territory, further to the north than they’d been before. Previously thought to have been abandoned, recent surveillance had revealed it to be operational – though it appeared to hold only limited strategic importance.

“All intel points to it being a holding facility for weapons and other supplies,” Shadis explained, his eyebrow twitching again. “More of a way station, really. Nothing seems to stay there for long.”

“Heavy traffic then?” Hans half-asked, half-guesses, and the Captain nodded.

“Not too many permanent residents,” he said, going through a pile of aerial photographs and lifting one on top of the rest. “A guard at each exit, and we believe four rotating along the perimeter.”

“One each and then some,” Nan commented. More serious than usual. Still sore about before, most likely. “Should be quick enough.”

“The guards all seem to have better gear than most Titans we’ve seen,” Shadis went on, “which could mean they’re holding something other than regular supplies in there.”

“Go in, gather intel,” Hans said and nodded. “We want demo on the way out?”

“We do,” Shadis confirmed, grabbing a rough blueprint of the compound, pointing out a building a little ways off the rest. “We think they’re holding most of their explosives here. Obviously we want to make sure they don’t survive this mission.”

“Got it,” Hans agreed. Unwrapped a sweet from his pocket and popped it into his mouth. “Where’s the drop off?”

“Ten klicks southwest of the compound,” Shadis told them and pointed it out on a map he spread on top of the photographs. “You’ll heli in. Signal for rendezvous once you’re done, set up a pick-up point.”

“I know I don’t have to ask you if we’re all good to go on this mission,” Hans said to them once they were out of the briefing room. “Whatever happened before, you leave it here.”

“Of course,” Erwin said at once and glanced at Nan who kept quiet but nodded.

“Let’s gear up,” Hans ordered. Gathered all his hair up into a ponytail and started walking. “Moving out in half an hour.”

 

The tandem-rotor purr of the Chinook took Erwin back to Afghanistan while he sat in the passenger hold and did final checks on his gear. Made sure his rappel gloves were on good and snug. Kept going over the map of the compound in his mind to remind himself: first building forty metres from the perimeter fence, second twenty-five northeast of the first, explosives storage behind it, ten metres or so. Guards at the main hall, front and back. Rotation on the fence. All most likely equipped with NV devices, so no advantage there. Rifles or handguns? Or both? No way to know until they got there.

“Two minutes,” Hans called out and Erwin relayed the message.

He could tell when the pilot slowed down into a hover. His muscles still remembered the balancing of the controls from hundreds of hours of training: the fine-tuned touch he had on the collective and the cyclical. For a second he missed it – then he threw his bergan down onto the sand below along with the end of his rappel rope. He swung his legs over the edge of the passenger hold and perched his feet on the skid, pausing for a moment to steady himself before laying his weight on the rope, his brake hand controlling his way down onto the sand. He gathered up the rope when it hit the ground by his bergan.

“Always a joy to watch you around those things,” Hans told him, nodding upwards as they all fell in, back to back, securing the surrounding darkness.

“Thanks,” Erwin muttered absently, glancing at his GPS device while Hans signalled the base. Right where they should be.

“Nan, set the course,” Hans ordered after a minute, putting the comms kit back in his bergan. “Usual positions.”

“Roger that,” Nan stated, loading her rifle and taking the lead.

Erwin fell in after Mike, found the rhythm of the run quickly thanks to the training. No light ahead; they were trying to keep the compound hidden. It came up to the foothills of the mountains. The earth was harder here and sprouted shrubs and thickets more readily. The vegetation slowed them down, but not by much. Erwin knew Nan was keeping the pace as steady as she could without risking injury.

For a moment it felt like a light evening run back at home – no hurry, the weight of his kit a pleasant addition to the exertion – or a standard exercise during training, since he was carrying a rifle. He didn’t forget though, kept his eyes and ears open for a flash of light or a sudden blast from a gun or a launcher. The desert remained dark and empty, as did the compound ahead. When Nan finally signalled to stop, it took Erwin by surprise.

“As we planned,” Hans said and took a gulp out of his water bottle. “Enter through the fence and split up, take care of the rotation guards. RV behind the explosives storage, sweep the outbuildings. We’ll enter the main hall in two teams. Nan and Mike, you take the front. Erwin and I’ll take the back.”

“Roger that,” Erwin muttered, checking the silencers on his guns.

They set out again and his heart was beating faster now – nothing to do with the quickened pace of their steps. He could see the perimeter fence ahead of himself as a line in the distance, a lighter stripe in a field of green. There was a flash of light to his right but it disappeared as soon as he caught it.

“Did you catch that?” Nan came in through the PRR.

“Stay sharp,” Hans replied and Erwin drew a deep breath. Calm nerves now. “Six guards is just an estimate.”

Hans cut a way for them through the fence once they reached it. Left it a little smaller than was convenient for Erwin and Mike, especially with their bergans. They split up, Erwin took the lead, weapon at the ready, following the perimeter as fast and quietly as he could. He tried to hear footsteps ahead past the helmet and the headphone of the PRR, but caught sight of the guards before he heard them. He signalled it to Hans, crouched down to take aim.

“Take the one on the right,” he said, voice coming in quiet to Erwin’s ear; he confirmed the message just as quietly.

His first shot was a miss. He flavoured it with a choice swear before giving it another go. Better aim, this time: the guard went down, only letting out a quiet yelp that Erwin only just caught. Didn’t stop to think about it, to let it remind him he’d just taken a life. Hans did better and only took one shot.

“Move on,” he told Erwin, a second after he had already started making his way towards the explosives hold. “Don’t let your guard down.”

No engagement between the fence and the storage. Mike and Nan took four minutes longer to rendezvous – their targets had been further on the boundary. They fell in quietly, nodding when Erwin signalled the move-out and took the lead. The sweep turned up three hostiles. Erwin got two of them from his point man position. No time to look around too much, but he saw crates and shelves, a score of launchers on a stand.

The second storage room was more varied: crates there too, but with different contents. Food and water. Gear. Weapons and ammo. Nothing pristine, you couldn’t compare it to any real army, but it was less slapdash than what Erwin expected.

“We’ll finish up and come back to check this out,” Hans said, already looking around himself like he wanted nothing more than to start documenting the space. “Move on.”

They continued towards the main building, a warehouse in the middle of the compound large enough to store a mid-sized plane, splitting up again a good dozen metres before reaching it. When the wind turned, Erwin thought he could smell something in the air, tangy and quite unpleasant. Like garlic gone bad. It intensified the closer they got to their destination. No guard at the door. Hans passed the information on to Mike and Nan.

“Found two here,” she said. “Door’s locked. I’m setting up a blast, let me know when you’re good to go.”

“Copy that,” Hans told her, pulling his breach kit out of his bergan and setting up the explosive while Erwin kept watch, eyes sweeping the surrounding darkness. “Ready when you are.”

The blast was controlled but sounded loud enough to wake the dead in the silence. Erwin gritted his teeth when he went through the door. Expected to be greeted by gunshots ringing out, lighting up the field of his night vision device with flashes and sparks. He saw no one but heard a series of gunshots from further inside. They made his breath catch in his throat. He continued down a corridor until he came to a closed door. Tried the handle and checked inside. No one. Just more crates.

“One guard down,” Nan came in through the PRR and Erwin exhaled. “No sight of anyone else yet.”

“First backroom on the right clear,” he spoke, moving on down the hallway towards doors he could see ahead of himself. The unpleasant smell was getting stronger. “Checking two on the left.”

The first of the rooms was similar to the one he cleared before but the boxes looked different when Erwin glanced at them. Smaller, packed more carefully. The source of the smell. No time to spend on them, and he moved on quickly. Next door, gunshots rung out as soon as he opened it. Pierced the opposite wall while he took cover, heart hammering though he hardly noticed. Waited for a pause before rounding the corner, firing first to shield himself but seconds later identifying and eliminating the treat. A man, in his thirties maybe. The bullet went in through his cheek – there was something grotesque about that.

He was the last Titan on the compound; the rest of the sweep turned up nothing living. Nan and Mike took the smaller buildings, heading out with guns and cameras in tow, while Erwin and Hans focused on the main hall. Found half a dozen WMIKs – some of them British military issue, banged up and fixed with whatever had been available, Erwin guessed. He was glad to know they’d be off the streets after this, so to speak.

“This is interesting,” he said to Hans, who followed him into a small room, different from the rest. An office space.

“Very,” he agreed, already opening the drawers of a desk, bottom-most one first. “Check if you can get that computer to turn on.”

Erwin walked over to it, heard a quiet humming and gave the mouse a little shake. The screen came to light in a bright flash that forced Erwin to pull up his NV device.

“Password protected,” he told Hans who walked over and shut down the machine at once.

“No time to faff about with that,” he said, yanking the cord out of the socket as soon as the whirring of the computer stopped. “I’ll take out the hard drive, you go over those drawers. Try and find something useful.”

There wasn’t much. A few maps that Erwin folded up and stuffed into his bergan. A couple of USB sticks. A filing cabinet that was empty save for one folder that Erwin placed into his gear with the rest. Behind him Hans stood up with a satisfied grunt.

“Let’s move on.”

They split up. Erwin pried open a few crates in the storage room, took a few pictures of the contents – luxury goods: laptops, tablets; champagne and cognac; beluga caviar.

“Interesting,” Erwin muttered to himself, brows knitting as he took the pictures. He picked up one of the containers of caviar, eased it open with his nail. He’d only had it once, but he remembered the smell.

“Erwin!” Hans called from the next room over. “Come and look at this once you get a chance, will you?”

“Be right there,” Erwin called back, opening a few more crates to make sure he wasn’t missing anything.

“Things just got a bit more complicated,” Hans told him when he walked into the next room over. Screwed up his face at the smell that had intensified when Hans had opened the crates – and he could see why. He hissed a swear under his breath. “My words exactly.”

“Is that–”

“Ammonium nitrate, pentaerythritol tetranitrate, pyrotechnic fillers, white phosphorous. And a bunch of other things you’ll never find underneath your average kitchen sink,” Hans confirmed, rubbing his forehead underneath his helmet. “I don’t think this is just for ordinary IEDs either – or if it is, they’re making things a lot harder for themselves than they need to be.”

“You thinking chemical weapons?”

Hans shrugged. “I’d have to take a better look at the stuff they’ve got here,” he said, “but I sure as hell don’t feel good about blowing any of this stuff up without knowing what I’m putting out there.”

“Yeah,” Erwin agreed, wiping a few drops of sweat off his temple. “You thinking about taking it to the FOB?”

“We could set the RV point closer, load up a couple of the WMIKs we saw before,” Hans suggested. “At least take out the stuff that we’re not sure about. There aren’t that many of these containers. I reckon we could be done in an hour. It’s an added risk of course but–”

“Getting some of this back for analysis would have value in itself,” Erwin finished, nodding. “Best get to work then.”

Nan and Mike joined Erwin in looking trough the assortment of chemicals while Hans rigged up the other two warehouses, rotating a guard to make sure no deliveries came to the compound. Erwin tried to bring back some of the training he’d had on explosives and the substances that went into them and moved aside only things the names of which he didn’t remember or recognise. Some of it was classic IED stuff: hydrogen peroxide, black powder, fuel oil; flour, powdered sugar, cumin. Most of the rest of the substances had much longer names that didn’t immediately open themselves up to Erwin. Complex chemical compounds. Definitely not your standard make-a-bomb-at-home -kit contents, just as Hans had said.

“Bet a drop of this stuff would make your skin melt,” Nan commented, lifting a crate onto the back of a WMIK.

“No doubt,” Erwin agreed, wiping sweat off his brow.

They found no keys to the jeeps but it only slowed Hans down for a couple of minutes. He played around with the panel under the steering wheel – Erwin couldn’t see what he was doing – and the engine came to life with a roar that echoed in the otherwise empty hall.

“A little trick I learned from Levi,” he said with a grin. “The security measures on our vehicles could do with an update.”

Erwin climbed onto the driver’s seat and was joined by Hans a moment later. There was a delay when Mike searched for the switch that opened the wide doors on the side of the building for them to drive out through. Once on the desert, Erwin kept his lights off and his night vision on. Followed Hans’ directions and the little indicator on the screen of the GPS to keep the course. The chinooks were waiting when they arrived; they’d brought a couple of guys to give them a hand loading the crates onto the cargo hold. The sky behind them lit up while they worked; Hans’ explosives going off.

“Can’t wait to find out what’s in these,” Hans said once they were en route back to the base, sounding a little too excited to Erwin. “I never thought we’d find stuff like this on an op of this calibre.”

“Don’t get yourself kicked out of the lab again,” Nan told him.

“I won’t,” Hans replied, sounding like he was making a promise. “If they let me back, I’ll behave myself.”

 

It turned out to be a redundant concern; the substances were taken to a laboratory away from the Palace for analysis. But when the results came in, it was clear Hans had been right. There was no doubt about what the chemicals had been intended for, and it definitely wasn’t car bombs. The results prompted Shadis to call a joint briefing with both air troop and mobility troop teams.

“We don’t know for sure what it is yet,” he told them, leaning over the long table in the conference room, “but it’s obvious the Titans are tinkering with a chemical weapon of some sort. They’ve not used one as far as we know, but the evidence team bravo gathered on their mission leaves no room for doubt.”

“Any reason to believe they’d use it on civilians?” Erwin spoke up, voicing the question he’d had since the op.

“No reason to believe they wouldn’t,” Levi commented from the other side of the table. Arms resting on the table, hands crossed. Sleeves rolled up to his elbows. “From what we’ve seen of how they treat civilians, it’s a surprise they haven’t gassed everyone already.”

“We’ve been trying to locate a facility where they might be working on the weapon,” Shadis continued, “but so far our search has turned up nothing. However, we’ve got a good lead on that now, thanks again to the bravo team’s efforts.”

He pressed a button on a remote control and a picture appeared on a screen behind him. A blueprint of a building. Complicated structure. Lots of small rooms, several buildings. What looked like a wall and a minefield surrounding it.

“This is the first blueprint we’ve gotten of the Titans’ desert headquarters,” Shadis said; across the desk from Erwin, Levi sat up straighter, “and it could go a long way in helping us form a plan of attack against it, since it’s our most likely lead for more intel on the CWs. But we’ve had our Delta team surveilling the place, and that’s how we know some of the security details drawn up here don’t match their current configurations.”

“Even the fucking minefield isn’t where it’s supposed to be,” Levi muttered, drawing Erwin’s attention.

“Is there a way to get information that’s more up to date?” he asked. “Are there any contacts who could be used to that end?”

He watched as Levi and Shadis shared a look before Levi leaned back in his chair and folded his arms across his chest.

“The Delta team have been keeping an eye on someone in Paradis who might have relevant information,” Shadis explained. “But bringing him in now would render him more or less useless for future operations.”

“How crucial is the information he could provide us with in the future?” Erwin asked, nearly flinching when he heard Levi clicking his tongue.

“I’d answer that but I left my tarot cards at home,” he drawled. “How the fuck should any of us know that?”

“What I meant was, is it likely to prove as crucial as the information we need now,” Erwin corrected, wondering why he didn’t take the slightest offence at the mockery. “I mean, we’re talking about possible chemical weapons here. Is any future scenario likely to justify not bringing him in now if the worst happens?”

Levi fell quiet at that, and so did Shadis. They didn’t find a solution to the problem during the briefing, but Erwin left feeling good about having spoken up. Even better when Levi caught up with him in the hallway after.

“Just wanted to let you know I agree with what you said,” he told Erwin, arms still folded across his chest. “If something does happen, I don’t want to be left thinking I could’ve done something about it.”

“Glad we’re on the same page,” Erwin said. Expected they’d go their separate ways now since they’d never had too much to talk about before. “Guess I’ll see you around.”

“You heading to the gym?”

Levi’s question stopped Erwin in his tracks. He looked down at the man, wondered if this was the first time he saw him without a frown on his face. Easy posture, arms still folded across his chest but lazily, not to ward off company. A shudder went down his arms.

“Thought I’d unwind a bit,” Levi said. Something about the smile tugging at the corner of his mouth made Erwin’s chest feel a little too tight for breath. “You want to go a couple of rounds?”

The innuendo didn’t escape him, or make him uncomfortable. Instead it shot heat down to his crotch, an instant arousal that was impossible to miss or misinterpret. For a second Erwin thought it was a unique experience, until something forced its way to the surface: a moment during selection – nothing compared to this. He looked at Levi, thought about his bandaged hands, imagined him striking a punchbag, sweat running down his chest, making the hair on it glisten and curl. Erwin swallowed with effort, taking a step backwards.

“Thanks,” he told Levi, his body feeling the regret already. “Maybe some other time.”

Levi nodded once, meeting Erwin’s eyes.

“Next time then,” he said.


End file.
